Seeking Sarah (Finding Sam)
by Windlass
Summary: SPOILER ALERT where available, (I will let you know) BUT...this story is MOSTLY AU, set off S5.1. What drives Nick to leave the hospital without a word to anyone that fateful night? And what will be the aftermath of his decision to find Sam's sister? How will Sam react? Rated T.
1. Chapter 1

******WARNING: SPOILER ALERT! Just my take on more events of 5.01 with flashbacks to S3. AU. May be a one shot, but not sure yet. I'll see how it goes over!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue. **

Officer Nick Collins was carrying the weight of Sam's action and life threatening injury on his shoulders as he drove along the dark, lonely stretch of highway at ten to five in the morning on his way to St. Catharine's. Not too many cars were out yet, and dawn was still far off. He'd been thinking about the past 24 hours a lot, trying to figure things out. He needed some peace and quiet, some space to find himself in the midst of the firestorm that had erupted at 15 Division. A way to repay what he'd been denied the first time around.

It was the second time in less than five years that he'd escaped death; that in itself was more than a little unnerving. He thought about Shane Butler off and on, more so as the sombre anniversary approached. Shane Butler had been the reason he'd gotten himself drunk on one of his early days at 15. He remembered drinking until 7 a.m., walking to work because he hadn't booked the day off, and how Andy had taken him into an empty interview room and given him coffee and a muffin, told him to 'eat, drink and sleep.' She had been his first real friend at 15, excepting Gail, and Gail hadn't been all that happy to see him.

Shane Butler had been his platoon buddy from the army, the man with whom he traded places only to find out that the patrol ended in a very bad way. The dusty Afghan roads near Kandahar were loaded with land mines, and the LAV that carried Cpl. Butler and five other guys drove over an IED, killing three and wounding three, an even split. Some were lucky to escape death, if 'lucky' was the right word to describe the extent of their injuries, and some were not. Shane Butler was not.

"I don't wanna carry that around with me," he'd confided to Andy back then. He definitely did not want or need to carry around more guilt if Sam Swarek didn't make it. He was still looking for forgiveness in Butler's untimely death, and one man dead on his account was more than enough.

"Collins!" Kevin Ford had called out, pointing his weapon straight at him. In an attempt to distract him, Sam called out to Ford, and was shot for it. Nick closed his eyes, trying to block out the sequence of events that happened next. Sure, he was used to taking another man's life, but it never got easier. He didn't need to think twice before plugging Ford, the force of the bullet sending Kevin Ford flying backwards through the glass.

He'd seen Andy distraught over Sam's injuries, had seen her climb into the ambulance that took Sam to the nearest hospital. And now, at five in the morning, he was en route to pick up Sarah Swarek, Sam's sister and only known next of kin. He didn't know why he felt compelled to find her, only that he wanted to repay Sam for effectively saving his life. He and Sam hadn't been close, in fact, there was some animosity between them over how things happened between Sam and Andy close to a year earlier. When things between Andy and Nick started heating up, things between him and Detective Swarek had become downright frosty. So why? Why even try to find Sarah Swarek? Why him?

Nick ignored the incessant calls from Traci Nash. He knew he had to give a statement, knew he'd probably catch hell for leaving on his own. The phone rang again. Not now, not until he brought Sam's sister to the hospital. No one, not even his worst enemies deserved to die alone. And so, he was back at Shane Butler again, coming full circle in his disjointed thoughts. Shane Butler, whose family broke down at the terrible news. Shane Butler, whose death left a huge gaping hole. No, Sam Swarek's sister deserved to see her brother, especially if he was close to dying.

He pulled up to the house and got out, found himself nervously straightening his uniform before taking a deep breath and knocking at Sarah's door. He had no idea the proverbial 'Pandora's Box' he would be opening in doing so.

***** Earlier *****

Nick had had the idea to search for Sarah Swarek when he overheard the nurse telling someone else that she'd been unsuccessful in seeking Sam's next of kin. He slipped out of the hospital without a word to anyone, unnoticed because everyone was still anxious to hear of news about Sam's condition. Plus, he'd sent Andy in to be at Sam's side when the doctor announced that only one person could come along, so she wouldn't know his plans either.

_"Sarah Swarek?", said the voice on the other end of the line. Sarah looked at the alarm clock sitting on her dresser. It was only 4:30 a.m. _

_"Yeah? Who is this?"_

_"My name is Nick Collins, Officer Nick Collins, 15 Division Metro Police,"_

_"Don't tell me. It's Sam, isn't it? Is he dead?"_

_"Um, no. The hospital couldn't get a hold of you, so,"_

_"So they sent you to find me."_

_"No, ma'am. I'm doing this on my own,"_

_"Well, if Sam's not dead, then what's going on? Especially at this ungodly hour?"_

_"He's critically injured, ma'am. Can I pick you up? Sam needs you,"_

_"Oh my good lord. I always knew something like this would happen. Alright, you can pick me up, though I'm not sure he needs me. He's a rock."_

_"Trust me, he needs you. I'll be there in an hour or so."_

_"Fine. And Officer Collins? __Thank you for letting me know,"_

_"Yup, not a problem, ma'am," _

_He hung up._

* * *

The drive back was mostly made in silence, it was awkward and Nick wondered if this Sarah was unusually introverted. Once in a while he'd cast a sideways glance at her, noticing how she was almost pressed into the passenger side door.

"Are you okay?" he finally asked her.

She turned to look at him. "Yeah, I guess,"

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really, no. Look, Officer Collins, I'll be honest here. Sam and I aren't close. I haven't seen him in years,"

"Oh. I'm sorry, I, um, I didn't know,"

"You don't know him very well then, do you?" she asked suddenly, catching Nick off guard. He knew enough of him from what Andy had said, from what he'd seen of Sam at work, but he didn't really know him as a person, outside of his job.

Nick shook his head 'no'.

The rest of the trip was completed in silence then, and Sarah Swarek was again lost in her own thoughts. Nick knew better than to speak.

"Okay, here we are, I'll walk you up to where Sam is," he offered, trying to be courteous.

"Okay,"

She followed this young man in uniform, watched as he carried himself tall and erect. Good posture. Wondered why he and Sam were not well acquainted. He seemed like a nice enough fellow.

He brought her to the nurse's station, introduced her as Sam's next of kin. Her heart stopped at the sound of those words. They finally began to sink in. Next of kin. Sam must be in a bad way if they'd called for his next of kin.

"This way, Mrs. Swarek," one of the nurses had said, not unkindly.

"Ms. I'm not Sam's wife. I'm his sister."

"Oh, pardon me, my mistake,"

Sarah turned to thank Nick and together they walked on past the observation rooms finally stopping in the gallery by the OR. No ordinary visitors were allowed here, just immediate family. Sarah noticed that over there, at the far end of the room, stood a pretty brunette in a red plaid flannel shirt. Who was she? The girl in the flannel shirt smiled at her as she walked past, and Sarah noticed her going up to talk to Nick.

The nurse left Sarah alone, promising her she'd be allowed to see Sam as soon as he was taken out of surgery. Andy just stepped back inside the waiting room and had overheard the tail end of the conversation, but she wasn't sure if or how she should introduce herself to her.

"Excuse me. Are you here for Sam?" Andy asked, not knowing what else to say. Of course she was here for Sam.

The woman nodded.

"Hi. I'm Andy." She stuck her hand out without really knowing why she did it. She walked toward her.

That was just plain weird. The woman looked at her for a moment, her dark brown eyes just like the eyes Andy had etched in her memory. She reached out and took Andy's hand.

"I'm Sarah," she said, at last.

"Um, yes. Sarah. Sam's told me about you. It's good to meet you, though I'm so sorry it is under these circumstances,"

Sarah shrugged her shoulders. "Can you tell me how this happened to Sam?"

Andy and Sarah sat down as Andy recounted the horrific tale, in order of the day.

Sarah was quiet, reflecting on what Andy had just told her.

"You love each other, don't you?"

Andy paused for just a second, not because she didn't know the answer, but because she wondered how exactly she should word it.

"Yes. Yes we do, Sarah. We both realize that now,"

Before Sarah could ask any more questions, the nurse entered the waiting room, breaking the moment.

"Ms. Swarek? You can go see him now,"

Silently, and with those expressive dark eyes, Sarah just looked at Andy, a hint of a smile on her lips. She then followed the nurse to Sam's room.

The thoughts were swirling around in Andy's head. 'Sarah. So this was Sarah. Mysterious, deep water...' In that regard, she seemed very much like Sam.

* * *

"Officer McNally, you can go see him now,"

Andy's heart was pounding in her throat. Sam. Everything had happened so fast, his confession that he couldn't be there with her, (not the first time he'd said it), that he'd screwed up over and over, that he wanted to see her happy and that he thought she was with Nick, then the horrible shots leaving Sam badly wounded and Kevin Ford dead...the ambulance ride and the shared moments. She loved him and told him so before it was too late. He held her hand, told her it was a good story, then faded into unconsciousness.

She sat down in the chair next to Sam's bed. It was kind of uncomfortable being here.

After a while, Sam's eyes fluttered open. He was glad to see Andy sitting there. "I'm glad you are here. What time is it?"

She'd told him it was morning. There was no need for more words, as both of them were still full with the words they'd spoken in the ambulance. She just smiled at him, grateful for second chances.

"Andy, I don't want to waste any more time. I don't want to be sad any more."

"Me neither, Sam..."

He motioned for her to come sit closer, and she dragged the chair as close to his bed as possible. "No, here, there's room," he patted the space beside him.

"Sam...I don't know if I should do this,"

"It's all good, McNally. Trust me," he grinned.

She sat beside him on the bed, hoping a nurse wouldn't come by and give her a strong reprimand. He took her hand in his. "Thank you...Andy, for being here, for, um, sharing that story in the ambulance with me. You didn't just say that for the sake of talking did you... what I'm getting at is, do you still mean what you said?"

She smiled warmly as she gazed into his eyes. "I did mean it, Sam. I meant every word of it."

He sighed softly, his dreams of rekindling their romance coming true. Andy saw that he'd closed his eyes.

"Sam? Are you in pain?"

"Yep, see?" He pointed to the gauze bandages that encircled his stomach.

"Sorry, I mean, does it hurt **now**? Should I call the nurse?"

"No, it's okay. I suppose you could call to say I'm awake...but I'm not in any great amount of pain,"

Andy buzzed for the nurse, who came in a short while later to check on Sam.

"Ma'am, he'll need his rest soon, and there are others who wish to see him,"

"Okay. Just a few more minutes, please?"

"It appears you'll be a busy man, Sam. First Sarah..."

"Wait? Sarah? As in _my sister_ Sarah? She's here!?"

Andy saw that Sam was clearly shocked at the mention of his sister having been here to visit him. She traced a finger lightly over his brow.

"Yes. She was here before me. Nick went and got her, picked her up and brought her here to see you,"

Sam thought for a while. "Nick? Well, that's nice of him. If you see him," he paused mid sentence, seeing the look of discomfort in Andy's eyes.

"What? Did you talk to him already?" he asked, cautiously.

"I did, about an hour ago. Told him the truth, figured it was probably better not to delay. Like you said, I don't want to waste any more time,"

She came in close and gently kissed him on the forehead, their second kiss in less than 12 hours.

"Listen, I think I'd better go. I'll come back tonight, okay?"

"You must be tired, too. Go home and get some sleep, McNally. I can wait a little longer,"

"Thank you, Sam. I'll see you," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper.

**A/N: So? Interested in pursuing this story further? Leave me a nice note, please.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you for all your comments. I guess I'll continue with this! :) Hope you like it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue**

* * *

Sarah left Sam's room not knowing what to do next. Here she was alone, afraid for what could happen to her now. It was not quite as dark out as it had been when she'd first stepped into the police cruiser with Nick Collins, so she was thankful for that at least. She hailed a cab and asked him to find her a decent motel where she could stay. She wished she could just crash at Sam's house. Life would be so much simpler.

She and Sam hadn't been close recently, that was true, but they had been close growing up. She'd been 13 when she was attacked by a group of older school boys as she walked home from school. Sarah remembered it well. It had been around 8 in the evening after the school's Science Fair, it was early February and twilight usually descended at 6 p.m.

Sarah had phoned to ask her mom for a ride, but Sam had answered.

_"Where's mom?"_

_"Out,"_

_"Out where?"_

_"She said she had to get cigarettes, but that was like an hour ago. I'm getting hungry,"_

_"What? You haven't eaten yet?"_

_"No."_

_"Sam, can't you make yourself a peanut butter and jam sandwich? Or eat an apple?"_

_"I get all itchy from apples, remember?"_

_Sarah sighed. Why did she feel like she was the only responsible adult in their family? Why was she the one taking care of her little brother?_

_Their mom and dad had recently split, it was inevitable, actually, because they'd been having problems for a very long time now. Sarah remembered the nights when she and Sam were shooed off to bed, while mom and dad drank, then argued. The arguments grew more intense and became louder so that she would hide her head under her pillow to try and block out the noise._

_She'd heard them shouting, glass shattering. One time, and only one time, she'd heard the sickening sound of her father's hand slapping her mother's cheek. And their mom hit back. She lunged at their father and fought with all her might, landing some good blows._

_Of course, a feisty 5 foot 6 woman weighing 120 lbs was no match for a man five inches taller and nearly fifty pounds heavier._

_"Get out! Get out of this house, and don't even think of coming back!" their mom had shouted._

_"Yeah? I'm outta here, so sick and tired of you. I can't be with you anymore, you hear me?"_

_And that was it. The door slammed shut, the house seemed to shake, and then there was silence. _

_That was it, no more father._

* * *

_"Sarah? Are you still at school?"_

_"Yeah," she replied as she looked outside._

_It would be a bit of a walk to get home. It usually took her about twenty minutes on a good day. Tonight it had begun to snow._

_'Come on, don't be such a baby,' her inner voice was telling her, trying to build up some courage for what she had to do next._

_"Sam, I'm leaving now. I have my science project, I won second, by the way, and I'll just put it in my locker. I can't carry it home. Then I'm going to start walking home. I don't have bus fare,"_

_"Sarah! You know you're not allowed to walk home alone, especially not in the dark,"_

_"Well, what other choices do I have? I'm at a pay phone*, people are leaving, my friends are all gone already. The janitor is out here sweeping…Sam I have to go."_

_She hung up and hoped she'd have enough courage to get herself home safely._

_Sam hung up the phone too, a sick feeling in his stomach. Where was mom?_

_Sarah brought her science project to her locker and had to walk by three older boys huddled near someone's locker. They exchanged glances, smirked a little. Sarah had seen these guys before. They were in grade 11. She was in grade 7._

_She didn't like the way they looked at her, in fact, all that attention was terrifying to her._

_She knew she was attractive, her figure had developed, she had filled out in all the 'right' spots over the past two years._

_She was wearing her new jeans tonight and a warm knit sweater that was a little revealing._

_Not overly, though, because she didn't want to draw too much attention to herself._

_She put on her coat and hat, her mittens and slung her backpack over her shoulder. Silently she walked by those boys again. She knew their names because all the younger girls all wished they'd notice them. It was considered 'cool' to go out with an older boy._

_She made her way to the boot room and found her boots, puffy brown things with thick rubber soles. The janitor said something kind and wished her a safe walk home, meaning, stay out of alleyways and keep to lighted residential streets._

_Easy enough for him to say, Sarah thought as she stepped outside and heard the heavy doors click shut behind her. So here she was. All by herself, in the dark, with pretty snowflakes falling gracefully from the sky._

_The crunching sound of the snow under her feet distracted her a little as she tried not to think about how unsafe it was to be doing this._

_'Think positive thoughts,' she kept telling herself. She rearranged her back pack and kept going, her breath coming out in frosty little puffs. She'd wondered why she hadn't brought a scarf to school this morning, too._

_About a block later, she heard the loud rumbling of a vehicle behind her. Probably a truck with one of those muffler things, whatever they were called. All the older boys at her school either had them or were saving up to buy them._

_She expected this vehicle, she wasn't going to turn around and actually look, would soon pass by just like all the other traffic._

_But it didn't. It slowed so that she thought maybe they lived on this street._

_She walked a little faster._

_The vehicle kept driving, slowly, along the sidewalk. No other sound except the tires on hard packed snow._

_Frightened now, Sarah looked at the houses on this street. Most of them had lights on, and she should probably stop at one of them, tell them that she's being followed._

_'Don't talk to strangers,' her mother's voice warned._

_Sarah kept walking._

_The freestanding houses had now disappeared and there was an elementary school just ahead. Not too many streetlights, a playground, a barren soccer field, then nothing._

_Woods._

_Their house wasn't too far away, maybe she should jog the rest of the way home? Her heart was beginning to pound in her ears._

_The vehicle had stopped, thankfully, so she could calm down, relax, and take a deep breath. She knew she had an overactive imagination._

_That's all it was. Her imagination._

_The next thing she remembered was a hospital room, a nurse and a doctor, and later, an older man. Where was her mother?_

_She was frightened, and sore all over. She touched her lip, it was throbbing._

_She remembered little bits about what had happened. Remembered feeling so scared, remembered being pushed to the cold ground._

_And three boys encircling her like wolves with prey._

* * *

_She began to cry._

_"It's okay, sweetheart, you're okay now," the nurse said, holding her hand. "We're just examining you to make sure the police can catch the people who did this to you. Almost done."_

_Sarah closed her eyes tightly and wished this experience to be over._

_When the medical team had done their part, she was given a fresh hospital gown and told to have a shower now, there was soap and shampoo for her to use. She felt dirty._  
_After her shower, they'd asked her if she was hungry. A nurse took her to a private room with a bed, and plenty of warm cotton blankets to cuddle up with._  
_"It's just until the detective is done talking to you, and when your mom gets here to come take you home,"_

_"Sammy," she stammered._

_"What's that, dear?"_

_"My brother. He's home alone,"_

_"Oh. How old is your brother?"_

_"He's nine."_

_The nurse made a quick note of this. "I'll let the police officer know to check on Sam, okay?"_

_A little knock on her door indicated the police detective was now ready to take her statement. She looked at him carefully, trying to assess what he might be like._

_He was older, maybe in his late thirties, she guessed. (But what did she know about that?)_

_He had dirty blond hair that he combed to the side, and he was tall._

_"Hi, uh, Sarah," he'd said, extending his hand to her. Sarah found that his voice was pleasant, sort of deep, comforting, the kind of voice a little kid would love to hear reading bedtime stories aloud. Sarah wondered if he was married or if he had any kids._

_"My name is Tom, and I'll be needing to ask you a few questions about what happened tonight, okay?"_

_'Tom? That was it?' Sarah thought. She had the impression that cops were more formal. This Tom was down to earth. That was nice._

_"So you need to start from the beginning, okay? Don't be afraid. We want to do everything we can to ensure that the people who did this will come to justice. They will pay."_

_Sarah went over her story with Tom right from when she called home to ask for a ride._

* * *

_"Where's my daughter?"_

_"Ma'am, you daughter is still talking to the police. Please have a seat over there."_

_"Uh, I can't, my son is waiting in the car,"_

_"You can bring him inside, too. Maybe he'd like some hot chocolate?"_

_"Sure, yeah. He likes hot chocolate,"_

_The nurse looked at the woman standing nervously at the desk. She noticed a faint alcohol smell like the woman had been drinking._

_"Ma'am, are you feeling okay?_

_Sam and Sarah's mom ran her hands through her hair._

_"No, I'm not okay. I'm losing my grip on everything, I'm a single mom and my soon to be ex-husband's in jail. My daughter has just been assaulted, and, and, I'm not sure I can handle much more of this."_

_Alarmed, the nurse had come out from behind the desk and wrapped an arm around the distraught woman's shoulders._

_"Here, come over here and sit down for a second. Then go get your son, okay. We can talk about getting you some help…"_

_"Okay,"_

_And things from that point had never been the same for the Swarek children. Sam in his own way became closed and withdrawn, Sarah became wary of strangers. Their mom never was able to kick her drinking, and even worse, she had become addicted to valium. She tried, damn it, she really did. She tried to get on track with her family, to rebuild her life, to be a good mom to her kids, but it didn't really happen._

_Two years later, when Sarah was 15 and Sam 11, they'd been taken out of school by the school counsellor._

_"There's a police officer wanting to see you both," she'd said, leading them to her office._

_"Sarah, Sam." The man said. It was Tom again. She remembered him from two years ago._

_"I have some bad news for you. Your mom,"_

_"Is she dead?" Sarah blurted out nervously._

_"Sarah! Shut up," Sam yelled at his sister. His brown eyes were flashing the anger that he'd stored up inside him for years._

_"Kids, calm down. No, she's not dead, but,"_

_"But?"_

_"She's been admitted into another rehab facility, where she'll get the help she needs to get better,"_

_"That's what they said the last time, Tom. I don't believe it!"_

_"Look, I don't know what to say about that. Sometimes things don't work out the way we'd like them to. Addiction is a complex issue,"_

_"So, where do we stay? Can we just go home?"_

_"That's why I'm here,"_

_Sam sat in silence, internalizing everything Tom had just said. Addiction, facility, rehab...and that was just their mom. Jail. Sentence. Parole...plus probably addiction, too. That was their dad. Sam had sort of tuned Tom out, but he did hear this: foster home._

_"You're saying you're putting us in a foster home?", he found himself shouting. "I'm not going to live in a foster home!"_

_"Sam, it'll only be until your mom gets well again. She requested that the government take temporary custody of you and Sarah, just so she knows you'll be taken care of. Sam, it's for your own good. And your mom's peace of mind. Please don't make it difficult for her,"_

_"Difficult for her? What about difficult for us?"_

_Sarah spoke up. "Sammy, we'll be together in a normal home. And then mom can focus on getting better so we can go home to our house again. I promise it'll be okay."_

* * *

The cab driver suggested a few decent motels, and let Sarah choose. "I guess I'll try the Crown Motel," she said, not knowing what that was even like. 'Just drive already,' she thought. She wasn't in the mood to spend a whole lot of time wondering which motel would be the best. All she needed right now was to eat and take her medication, then sleep in some peace and quiet.

She checked herself in and paid for a two day stay. If Sam was going to die, then maybe it -death- would come fairly quickly. She hoped for his sake that he wouldn't be suffering all too much.

She checked her watch. She needed to keep her routine. Sarah ventured out of her motel room to find a place to buy a muffin or something. Fruit, whatever. She soon found a gas station with a snack bar. She bought a few things to eat and some bottled water.

Carrying her brown bag of goodies back to her room, she began to feel a little better. She'd taken her anxiety medication and hoped it would kick in soon.

**NB. Sam and Sarah's ages have been corrected.** Thank you to the guest (s) who mentioned it. I'd appreciate it if said guests would actually stop being anonymous, though. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N. SPOILER ALERT! ****Some parts of this chapter follow canon as written by the original writers.**

**I'll explain again for those who don't know. I try to follow a general outline of how the show went, and fill in, and for the most part this is an AU story. As such, I'm not going to follow everything as it happened in the show. For example Sam and Sarah's ages. I don't own the DVDs, so I can't sit around and watch every season. Youtube vids are kind of limited that way, too. Plus, I just don't have the time to pore over old seasons. If you don't like the story, then please do me a favour and go read something else. For all of you who appreciate the story as is, thank you for your positive feedback. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue.**

* * *

_*The episode seems to take place a couple weeks into Sam's recovery. He's sitting up in bed, looking and feeling much better. It's early evening, and Sarah is still in Toronto.*_

* * *

"Hey," she said enthusiastically as she entered Sam's hospital room. She'd just been at the Penny with the rest of her co-workers, playing table tennis with Oliver, Chris and Dov, and toasted a few too many drinks to Sam Swarek. "Guess what?!" she giggled.

Sam's face lit up in amusement as he watched Andy unzip her hoodie and throw it carelessly on a side table in his hospital room. "_What?_" he teased. _  
_

"We have a new rookie at work, and I get to be his TO,"

"Oh yeah? That's exciting!"

Andy planted herself on the bed. Sam was reading this book, goodness knows where he got it, called 'The Aztecs' and it was sitting on his lap.

"Interesting?" she asked, nodding towards the book.

"Oh, yeah, I had a nurse find me something to read. So she gave me this..." he held it up for her to see.

"Hmm, cool,"

"It is actually, McNally. I find these sorts of things, you know, ancient civilizations, fascinating. I loved the unit on the Aztecs in grade five."

"Oh right. All I remember about that is human sacrifices and roasted puppies," she made a face.

Sam laughed. "Your feet are cold," he said matter of factly, rubbing them slightly.

Andy reached over and stroked his hair, glad to see him smiling. He looked so much better than when he first got out of surgery. He was starting to regain some of his colour and today, and from what she could see, he was wearing a long sleeved t-shirt and a hoodie.

"Hey, nice to see you wearing something other than your hospital gown today, Sam,"

"What was wrong with the standard issue hospital gown?" he asked, feigning offense.

Andy smiled that big smile again, and shook her head. "Nothing. You looked pretty good in that, too,"

"She came to see me this morning, "

"She?"

"Sarah."

"Oh. How did that go?"

"Um, it went. She thought I might appreciate these," He pushed back the covers to reveal some blue plaid pyjama pants. "And yes, she's staying at my house now, though I think she mentioned that she wanted to go home soon,"

Andy looked at him approvingly. "So, besides you being super nice and letting her stay at your place, and the new clothes, what else happened?"

"Nothing, really. What else can I say, she came here under the impression I was dying, and now that she sees I'm not, it's all good. That's it,"

"That's it? Sam, you almost died. That can't be it,"

"McNally, this is who we are. Maybe you don't understand it, and maybe we don't fully understand it either, but this is us. "

"Yeah, but...but it's so...impersonal, isn't it?,"

"Hey. This is our normal. We were never a touchy feely family. Look, deep down she's a good person. Her buying these clothes for me is her way of showing that she cares. She loves me, McNally, I know that, and God knows I love her too, it's just that we can't be in the same room together for very long before we start getting on each other's nerves. Or whatever."

Sam began flipping through his Aztecs book again, indicating he'd said enough about himself and his sister for now. Perhaps later he'd open up to her, after he'd thought about it more, but for most of his life he spent too much time trying to figure them out. He was tired of over thinking his relationship with Sarah. He didn't much like over thinking anything.

After several moments of silence, he looked to see what Andy was doing, which appeared to be nothing. Except he knew that she was scheming.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing,"

"Don't give me that. I know you're plotting something..."

"Okay, please? Please can I call her? I'm sure she left her number with the desk, yes?"

"McNally...why?"

"You two break my heart."

He gestured defeat with his hands, knowing full well she would never rest until she got what she wanted. "She gave me her cell number, here, but don't get your hopes up of trying to fix us."

Andy took the slip of paper that Sam was holding out for her. "Thanks, Sam. I won't tell her you sent me,"

"That's good, because I didn't. And um, if it falls flat, this experiment of yours, you can't say I didn't warn you,"

"I know. Bye,_ dear_." Paper in hand, she kissed him quickly and dashed to the door.

"Hey! Will you come by again later?"

"I might, we'll see," she teased. She'd been here every available moment and wasn't about to stop now.

_'Dear',_ he thought happily_. 'She called me dear.'_

At that moment, Sarah came into the room. "Hi," she said as she pulled up a chair. Andy hung around a little longer, the urgency of having to phone Sarah no longer relevant.

"Hey? To what do I owe this visit? Twice in one day, even," Sam asked.

He looking at his sister and then at Andy, not sure what to make of her unexpected visit. Sarah handed Sam a newspaper for something to read.

"Thought you might like something else to read,"

"Thanks," he said, getting the paper set up just so.

"You know what? I think I'll leave you two alone," Andy said quickly. "I've had a long day, so..."

"Okay, see you tomorrow..." Sam trailed off, wishing she didn't have to leave right away.

Sarah looked at Sam. "Um, I also came to let you know my train is leaving tonight,"

"Oh no! What time? I was just actually going to ask you if you had time for a coffee tomorrow," Andy asked, feeling a bit disappointed that her plan might not work after all.

"Eight. Sorry, Andy...maybe next time?"

"But what about tonight? Before 8?"

"Great, but how? Call a cab? Both of us?"

"Just take my truck," Sam offered.

"Really?"

"No, Sam, you don't have to..."

"Take the truck, McNally, it's okay,"

"Thanks, Sam."

Turning to Sarah, Andy shrugged, "Okay, well then, but I need to go out for a bit first. I'll pick you up at the house at 7:00, we can go for coffee and then I'll drop you off at the train station."

With that she left Sam's room.

"So you're leaving tonight," he began.

"Yeah, well, I thought, I mean, I was brought here by a police officer in the middle of the night, so, "

"You thought I was dying, and now that you know I'm not everything is the same as usual,"

Sarah nodded. "Something like that,"

The brother and sister sat quietly in a little bit of unease. It was the truth. Sam focussed his attention on the newspaper again.

"Dad, you know, when I go to visit him, he likes to read the business section,"

Sam remained quiet, pretending not to hear. He brought the paper up as a sort of barrier between him and Sarah. When it came to their father, he wasn't interested in finding out what the old man was up to these days. Still in the slammer, getting older. Sam couldn't forgive what he had done to him, to Sarah, to their mother. Ending up with a sentence like that, further ruining any semblance of family. To Sam, it was unforgivable.

"I don't know why you still do that," he remarked finally.

"Sam,"

"I know. You were blessed with the forgiveness gene and I got stuck with the backbone gene,"

"That's not fair! You're so stubborn, you know that? It happened a long time ago. Why can't you just get over yourself and go see him?

"Just like that, hey?" Sam shook his head. "So I just go in after my shift one day and pick up where we left off. 'Hey Dad, how's it going? You're looking good? 'Life's been treating you well!"

Sarah stood up to leave. She grabbed her purse. "That would be a start. Anyway, I'm glad you're okay, Sam. I'll see you around,"

"Square! No, don't..."

"Don't call me that,"

"I used to call you that all the time..."

* * *

Sarah was waiting in front of Sam's when Andy pulled up at 7. She quickly locked up and walked to the truck, wondering just how close Andy and Sam actually were. Good friends? Lovers? What was the exact nature of their relationship? For the few times she'd seen them together, there hadn't been many PDAs.

"Hi!" Andy quipped, the truck idling as Sarah got in and slammed the door. Andy cringed inwardly at how hard she'd slammed the door. Sam would've had a fit if he'd heard. 'Don't slam the door,' he was always saying.

"Hi! So where are we going?"

"I thought Tim's for coffee? Is that okay?"

"Hmm, yes, that's fine."

After ordering and settling down at a table for four in the corner, Andy was the first to break the silence.

"Sam's looking much better today, don't you think?"

Sarah had just finished stirring her coffee. "Yeah, he looks good."

"I saw you picked him up some new stuff,"

"Yup, poor guy didn't have any decent clothes with him. "

"Look, Sarah, I'm very glad we have this chance to talk,"

Sarah wasn't one to waste words. "So, you and he...what's the deal with you guys?"

"We, um, we're..."

"He's your boyfriend?"

Andy raised an eyebrow, a telling 'Sam-ism' to Sarah. "Uh, you know, we're kind of complicated right now, but sure. Yes he is,"

"Kind of complicated?" Sarah laughed. "Why am I not surprised at that? Complicated is Sam's middle name,"

Andy decided to ignore the comment.

"It's a long story, Sarah. He was my training officer when I first graduated from the Academy, then after a time we realised we had developed something special. We were a couple for a while, then things went south and we broke up. I went away for six months, and when I came back he was with someone new. A new staff member at 15,"

Andy paused to see if Sarah had followed her so far. Sarah just stared at her blankly, expecting her to carry on with the rest of the story.

"So, months went by. I uh, I thought I'd better move forward, too, and started seeing a co-worker. Things kind of snow-balled, and um, well, that day, Sam was shot..." Andy took a sip of her coffee.

"Anyway, Sarah the long and short of it is that we know we still love each other, and we're giving ourselves a second chance to make it work,"

Sarah frowned. "Man, that, that's just so..._Sam_."

Andy didn't know why she brought that up again. Sarah didn't appear to be happy for them the way most people would be happy.

"What? Why did you just say that? What's with the disapproving tone of voice, Sarah?"

"Hey, I'm sorry. I'm glad things are working out for you and my brother. It's just,"

Andy couldn't help feeling defensive now. She felt Sam's character was being attacked and he wasn't around to defend himself.

She cut Sarah off. "I don't think Sam deserves to be treated this way,"

"You have no idea, Andy. I do. Sam's not always been the shining example he makes himself out to be, that's all."

"Whoa. No one said he was a 'shining' example, Sarah. Least of all Sam. He'd never say that about himself. Maybe it's **you** who doesn't have an idea."

"Look, he's obviously never been very open to you about his past. Our past."

"No, not really, but he's starting to open up to me more, so..."

Sarah looked at her phone for the time. "Hey, you know we'd better get going, or I might miss my train. Thanks for the chat." she said, effectively ending any further discussion about her and Sam.

The two women left the coffee shop and headed to the truck in silence. It was 7:45 p.m.

"What's going on? Everything okay?" Andy asked, trying to break the heavy silence that hung between them. Sarah seemed to be lost in her own thoughts again. Andy found a parking spot at the train station near the building's entrance and parked the truck.

"Yeah I'm okay. Anyway Andy, just be careful. That's all I'm saying."

Without a word of thanks, Sarah slammed the truck door again, leaving Andy with more than enough to think about.

A few minutes later, she got a text message from Sam, wondering if she was planning on coming back to the hospital to see him.

"Not tonight. I need some space. Maybe tomorrow,"

"Ok. I'm not going anywhere,"

That night, as he prepared to go to sleep, Sam Swarek was very unsettled with Andy's response. What had Sarah said to make Andy feel she needed some space?

* * *

"That's all she said, Sam,"

He noticed she was a little terse, and not as comfortable and relaxed as she had been even yesterday.

"Andy. That's exactly why we don't see much of each other. This is why we are estranged."

"I don't understand."

Sam sighed. "I was going to tell you. I had made plans to. This is not exactly how I had expected to share the stories of my past with you...but in order for all of this to make sense, I'll," he furrowed his eyebrows and pursed his lips for a moment.

"Just don't think any less of me, okay, McNally? I wouldn't be able to handle it if I lost you again,"

"I would never think any less of you, Sam Swarek. We've come too far, gone through too many situations together to ever make me love you less. I love you for who you are, Sam, no matter what,"

He looked at her, and she saw something reflected in his eyes. Was it fear? Maybe it was gratitude? He squeezed her hand and began recounting tales of his family history.

"Sarah was very young when she was attacked. We had a lot of turmoil in our lives, our dad had just left and Mom was in a bad place. He was convicted of armed robbery resulting in death a few months later and was sentenced to life. He's eligible for parole in ten years, by the way. To make things worse, we were about to be placed in foster care. Sarah was all I had left. I had to grow up in a hurry, just like she did. We were lucky to be placed in the same house with the same family for the first three years, but after Sarah turned 18, she was on her own. She graduated from high school, she made it into a good community college. Things appeared to be normal for her. Then more chaos. My foster family...the mom was diagnosed with cancer and it turned their lives upside down. They could no longer care for me. I understand it now, but then, I was just fourteen years old, and about to go through round two of finding an acceptable home. You know how difficult it is to find foster parents for a teen? No one wants you when you're 'that old'. No one trusts you and you learn to trust no one but yourself. It doesn't hurt as much if you let yourself down."

"I'm so sorry...how long before you found a home? What about Sarah? Couldn't she take guardianship?"

Sam shrugged, his eyes clouded with long held pain. "I, uh," He cleared his throat from the lump that had settled there. "They didn't find a home for me, Andy. Not a permanent one, anyway. I was bounced from home to group home, I think I had something like six or seven homes in three years. Sarah couldn't take me in, she was living in dorms at college. Though to her credit, she tried to take care of me. Came to visit on weekends, brought me little things that she knew had special meaning to me, " Sam's voice became hoarse and he took a drink of water.

"At the age of seventeen, my anger and rebellion got the best of me. I'm not proud of this, Andy, but I was on my way to becoming a first class troublemaker. I didn't trust anyone, and I hated cops, although I resented my father more. At first, I was hauled in for minor possession. I moved up to theft under $1000.00, mischief: public property; all under the Youth Criminal Justice Act. When I turned 18, the record of those offences was destroyed. But, things kept getting worse for me. I graduated from possession to trafficking and theft over $5000.00 I managed to not get caught for peddling drugs, but I got caught for stealing a car.

He looked deep into Andy's eyes, trying to read what she was thinking. "What do you think of me now, Officer McNally?

Andy's eyes were red, tear-filled, her heart breaking for all his wounded-ness. She rested her forehead on his. "I think you're a wonderful guy who's had to work hard to become who he is today, Sam. You've had your share of misery, but I know it's made you stronger, and that's not who you are now. It doesn't define you."

"It's true, McNally, that's my messed up past. I'm surprised I'm not actually locked up, like my old man. Wouldn't that be something else?" he scoffed.

"Were you ever, though?"

Sam nodded. "I was in jail for four months when I was a Young Offender. Then I got three years for stealing that car. So I spent my 19, 20th and 21st birthdays behind bars. Then I resolved to turn my life around. I've been there, McNally, and that played a role in helping me become who I am today. It came a little late, but still, I was scared of being in the prison system. That and this burning determination I have to never be like my dad. I wanted to be as far opposite to him as I possibly could be. He became an inmate, so I became a cop. He was a pathetic excuse of a husband and father...and I don't want to be like him. That's why I'm so grateful for second chances, Andy. I know I've screwed up..."

Andy was touched at Sam's confession. This is what drove him. "Sam? Why would she say that you'd hurt me again?"

"You know what? I don't know why she would say that. I would never hurt you again, McNally. I swear. I learned my lesson. You've got to believe me that I've changed."

"I believe you..."

Sam noticed a slight hesitation in her voice.

"Look, I'm not saying we shouldn't be careful going into this, but I'm asking you to let me show you I'm not the man I used to be. Let me prove it to you. I have never met anyone like you, Andy, and my heart breaks at how we, how I treated you. The pain we went through. But I couldn't help it. I lost my best friend... I didn't know how to work through that. I never intended to hurt you as deeply as I had, or for us to go through all that we've had to just so I could come to this realization. It's just this defense mechanism that kicks in,"

"Where's my dummy sign?" Andy joked, referring to Sam's placard with 'dummy' written on it, the one he'd greeted her with when she came home after her suspension.

He smiled at the recollection. "Seriously, though, I should've let you in, should've trusted you. Trusting is hard for me to do, I'm always suspicious of other people's motives. I don't remember any of my previous girlfriends ever saying 'I love you' to me and come close to meaning it. I guess I didn't love myself enough to let someone else love me. But you...you are different, you make me feel like I've never felt with anyone else. Andy, please, believe that."

Andy wiped away her tears, thought she had sufficiently buried her deepest feelings about when they broke up, about when he told her he loved her while she held that stupid grenade, about seeing him showing off his new girlfriend over and over.

"He'll hurt you again, so be careful,"

Sarah Swarek had definitely planted a seed, one that would make Andy a little more reserved and Sam more determined than ever to win over her heart.

"It's not going to be easy, Sam, but I think we've both learned valuable life lessons. We just need to become better communicators and listeners...and go slowly. I'm here for the long haul if you are,"

"I am,"

He walked her to the door of his room, showing her the progress he was making, and sharing his hope that he would soon be able to go home. Before leaving, Andy wrapped her arms around his waist. "I'll be there for you when you get out of here, Sam. Just let me know and I'll take holidays,"

She saw that he was going to protest, so she placed a finger softly on his lips. He rubbed his nose against hers, then leaned in to kiss her warm soft lips.

"I've missed being with you like this, McNally," he whispered.

**A/N: Hope that wasn't too confusing! I had to re-read the chapter together with the other ones a number of times over to make sure it mostly fit. Question: Has Global posted a link to this episode like they did last week? If yes, then is there a reason for me to put the spoiler warning any more? Should I assume everyone has seen the episode?**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Good day, people! :) This fluffy chapter is more AU than the last, more 'filling in' with the imagination, as I'm striving for a softer edge to Sam with regard to his family relationships. Have a great day, and I'm also planting a bit of a happy song in here, for which I take absolutely no credit. Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

"Well, the doc gave me two thumbs up this morning, McNally," Sam said as he pulled a fresh t-shirt over his head. "I'll need a few more tests, but other than that, I'm going home tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? But, who's going to take care of you? I'm scheduled to work all this week,"

"Last time I checked, I was a grown man, McNally. I can manage on my own for the next few days, you know."

"Yeah, but..." Andy frowned.

Sam grabbed her around the waist and pulled her closer. "You can still give administration notice that you'd like to take two weeks off. I just meant that for the next two days I'll be fine on my own."

Andy was still not happy. She wanted to be the one to take him home, make sure he was comfortable, that he had enough food to eat, the one he called if he needed help.

"I'm going to talk to Oliver and ask to be given a desk job for the remainder of the week, then, Sam. That way, if you need me, you can just call and I can be there right away," she looked at him earnestly.

"Suit yourself, McNally, but I'll be able to manage. Look, I appreciate your concern and you wanting to be there for me. Really, I do. And I will call you the second I feel I need help." He lifted up his t-shirt to show her his now almost completely healed wound. "See? It's almost as good as new, except for a few scars here and there, you can't even notice I've been shot. It doesn't even hurt when I do this," He poked himself a little harder than he'd meant to, the grimace on his face a pretty good indication to Andy that he was being a little over enthusiastic about his recovery.

"See?" she said jokingly.

"Okay, so that spot is still a little tender...but you get my point. I'm fine. Hell, I even have to start light exercise next week. The physiotherapist has been really good showing me a bunch of core strengthening exercises, plus I'll need to walk every day. Three miles to start. And that's when I'm going to need you the most. So, next week, yeah?"

Their conversation was interrupted by a nurse who wanted to check Sam's vitals. When she left ten minutes later, Andy decided she'd drop the previous discussion and changed the topic altogether. They made small talk about the new rookie, Oliver being the acting Staff Sergeant now, the weather and Sam's truck instead.

* * *

Sarah picked up the handset on the other side of the thick shatterproof glass that separated the outside world from the seedy environment of the prison. A greying, older man sat on a chair on the other side of the glass and smiled at her.

"Where have you been, Square? I missed you,"

"Hi Dad. It's a long story. I just got back from visiting Sam,"

The man arched is eyebrows, concerned for his son's well being. "Sammy? Is he okay? You two never just visit...what happened?"

"He's good, Dad, but it was touch and go for him a little while ago. He was shot, had surgery and spent a good chunk of time in the ICU."

The father was speechless for a few minutes as images of his little son flashed before his eyes. "I'm sorry to hear that, Sarah. But he's okay now?"

"Yes, he's good now. They'll probably let him go home soon,"

"That's good. So? Did you get a chance to talk to him?"

"As much as I ever do, Dad. He's so stubborn," she shrugged. "...but who knows with Sam. Maybe one day he'll drag his ass over here, maybe his girlfriend will convince him,"

"Girlfriend, eh? That's nice for him. What' she like?"

"She's a beautiful brunette, slim. Warm, friendly, a kind of do-gooder, wanting to fix the world."

The elder Swarek nodded. "I know you're frustrated with Sam, Square. Just give him time."

"You are the most patient man I know. I just want us to start working at being a family, picking up the pieces of all those lost years and start over before it's too late."

"I've learned many things while serving my sentence, Square. I've changed, too. If I could go back in time, I'd do things differently...my biggest regret has been the way I've handled being a husband and father. For your mom it's too late. I can never undo the damage I've done. But for you and Sammy..."

"I've forgiven you, Dad, you know that. For not being there for us and all that led to...but Sam just holds on to his anger, to hurt, and it affects how he deals with others. You know, everyone gets dealt lemons sometimes, but Sam doesn't know how to make lemonade. It's either black or white. His coping skills are explosive. I tried to tell Andy that,"

"Andy? Is that her name?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

"Well, I hope Sam knows and appreciates a keeper when he sees one. Do you think she'll stay?"

"Yeah, she told me this is their second chance. They'd apparently gone out before, but stuff happened and they separated for a time. Now they're back together, working out their issues. I like her, and from what I know of her she's a good fit for Sam. She's what he needs. And he's what she needs, too."

"Oh, that's good. I'm happy for Sam..."

"Hey Swarek, time's up! Say goodbye to your daughter. "

"Guess that's it, Dad. I'll be back in two weeks, okay? I have a lot on my plate at work, so..."

"Thank you for coming by, Square. I love you."

"I love you too, Dad."

Jay Swarek reluctantly hung up the phone and watched as his daughter left the room.

"Come on, old man. You need to get back to your cell. It's almost lunch time."

* * *

Oliver had popped in to see Sam after work. The two of them were sitting on the deck, enjoying a cold beer.

"So, buddy? All's well?"

"All's well so far, Ollie. We're in a better place, I'm really trying to be more open. I told her some of the worst stuff and she didn't run away."

"Well, I think she's past all that. Both of you, it seems."

Sam reflected on the events of the past month as he listened to Oliver's assessment.

"What about you, Shaw? How are you liking being a white shirt, huh?"

"Um, well, I guess it's been a bit of a learning curve, but at the same time I'm enjoying learning new things. If Jarvis hadn't basically forced this on me, I suppose I never would've known all the little things that go with the job. Stuff you and I take for granted, maybe. I'll always be a street cop, though. That's where my heart is, one of the guys."

"I know what you mean. My first year as a detective was way different from being a street cop, even an undercover cop. But, like you said, it's a great experience."

"Do you think you'll ever go back? To being a street cop, I mean,"

"I don't know. One thing I do know, is that I'll never go under again. Not now. I've got my dreams to pursue, you know, real life, a future; a handful of kids, park on Sundays, with her. It's within reach now, Ollie. I'm not letting go,"

"Good for you, Sam. I'm really happy that you and McNally are trying again. I've always thought she was the one for you. And you for her,"

"Ya? You think so?"

"I really do..." There was a moment of silence between them.

"So," Oliver asked casually, "have you heard from Sarah again since she came to visit?"

"Nope, though, uh, Andy sort of wants to go see her,"

"From what I heard it's probably not because Sarah was particularly nice to her,"

"No, but Andy is ever the optimist, always wanting to see the best in people. She has ulterior motives, though."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, she figures because Sarah is my only sibling, that we should try to get along. Guess that comes from not having one?"

"Maybe she has a point, Sam?"

"Maybe. Next thing I know she'll be wanting to meet my dad,"

"Is that such a bad thing?"

"Geez, man, you don't even know what you're saying. My DAD. You know, the guy who left us almost destitute, among other things? Practically orphans?"

"Hey, hey, all I'm saying is that he might've changed, Sam. Life has a way of changing people, especially when you nearly lose everything that ever mattered,"

"Yeah well, WE apparently never mattered much to HIM. Not enough to do the right thing by us."

"Did you ever stop to think that he might've regretted his actions but could never do anything about them being locked up behind bars?"

"No, because he could've written a letter. An apology. Not one word, Ollie. Not one word."

"Sam. When you and McNally had that heart to heart, didn't you feel so much better? You thought she'd be repulsed by your past, but she stayed because she loves you."

"Yeah, so?"

"Maybe if someone reached out to him, like Sarah has...I just think that forgiveness is a powerful means to transformation. Look at you."

Sam said nothing, but Oliver could see he was thinking about what he'd just said. Oliver decided to give one final little push. "So, how about it?"

"I'll think about it, Oliver. Not promising anything, but since you put it that way, I'll think about it. Happy?"

"I am happy, brother, because I only want the best for my best friend. Seriously."

Sam shook his head, a smile on his lips. "You've always had my back, Shaw. For that I'm very grateful."

* * *

Sam had been busy with his core strengthening exercises when Andy came bouncing into his house, hair up in a ponytail, earbuds in her ears. She had on her navy Academy shorts that were monogrammed with 'McNally' on the left leg and Sam's worn out grey Academy t-shirt, that read 'Swarek'. He smiled, watching her stretch out on the floor beside him. Her music was loud, so loud that Sam could almost sing along with the happy strains of Katrina and the Waves, but of course, he didn't. He shook his head, for he too had been 'walking on sunshine' for the past month or so.

_I used to think maybe you loved me, now know that it's true_  
_and I don't want to spend my whole life just a-waiting for you_  
_now I don't want you back for the weekend, __not back for a day , no no no_  
_I said baby I just want you back and I want you to stay _

"How many of these?" she asked rather loudly, referring to the crunches he had been doing.

"For you, 75"

She turned the music down. "What?"

"I said, 'For you, 75'." he repeated, his eyes sparkling with delight at just being with her.

"No, I meant for you, but hey, I can do 75 no sweat,"

"Yeah? Is that a challenge, McNally?"

"Depends. If I win, what happens? Or no, let me rephrase that. If I _lose_, what happens?"

"Winner gets a home cooked meal tonight. Loser makes said home cooked meal _and_ does the clean up."

"You're on! I can't wait to see what you'll make for me..."

Sam grinned. "Cool, because I've already done 75 crunches; I have to do 25 more. So, see you at the finish, McNally."

"What? You cheated. You said 75 for me,"

"So do 75...while you're thinking of what you could make me for supper tonight!"

"Right! Here I go. I'll match you for 100 and we'll have take out, my treat."

That evening, they sat quietly enjoying each other's company after a good take out buffet of Chinese food. Sam had suggested they sit outside on the deck and watch the stars. He'd made them each tall glasses of green tea cooler, a nice refreshing drink recipe he'd found online.

"We never took the time to do this before," Andy noted, as she leaned back into the deck bench, her bare legs outstretched in front of her.

"No, we didn't did we? I promise you, McNally, this time it'll be different,"

She looked over at him stargazing and slid closer. Placing her hand in his, she kissed his cheek.

"What's that for?" he asked, surprised.

"No reason. I'm just happy to be here with you, Sam."

Sam smiled, felt his heart bursting with love for her. * "I love you, McNally," he said after a brief pause.

"I love you too, Sam Swarek," she grinned, resting her head on his shoulder.

"So, where to now?"* he asked, his voice so soft and gentle that it made her melt inside. He stroked her thigh, the skin feeling smooth and warm against his finger tips. She repositioned herself to face him, her dark eyes shining expectantly as she looked into his eyes.

"Well, I'm kind of chilly," she lied, as no breeze was to be detected on this warm summer's night.

"You make a pretty bad liar. I think I've told you that a hundred times,"

"More," she said, purposely giving him an ambiguous answer.

"Let's go inside. I've got an idea,"

* * *

They lay together for a long time after, snuggling, enjoying each other's company. He softly rubbed her back in a most hypnotic way.

"Ummm, that feels so good, Sam," she purred, her eyes closed.

"So, McNally, I had a bit of a chat with Ollie a few days ago."

She turned, suddenly wide awake. "Oh? Good or bad? It's not about me, is it? I know I had a rough start with Moore the past week, but I didn't realise being a TO required that much work. Although I've never met anyone like Moore before, so um, well, let's just say I had to threaten to write him up..."

"McNally...shhh. It's not about you or work, or Duncan Moore,"

"Oh."

"I've decided - if you'll come with me, to have a visit with Sarah. I need to start...I want to start opening the communication lines with her. It's the right thing,"

* SPOILER ALERT.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue or 'Walking on Sunshine', Katrina and the Waves**


	5. Chapter 5

"Hurry up, Sam, we're going to hit rush hour traffic soon and then us getting up early will have been for nothing!"

"Easy, McNally. Just have to make sure I've got everything. A week in St. Catharine's…the thought of it equally excites and scares me."

They put all their stuff in the backseat of the truck and began the hour and some long drive to Sarah's.

"Do you want a coffee to go? Chocolate dipped doughnut?"" he asked as they approached their favourite coffee shop, anxious for Andy to make some excited small talk.

"No thanks, I'm okay for now. I just want to get there,"

"What's in it for you? Why are you so eager to see Sarah?"

She turned around in her seat, just enough to look at him straight on and thought about his question.

"Well, obviously I want this to go well for you and Sarah. It's a big first step,"

"And?"

"And I want to get to know her better too. I mean, if you and I are together, then I think it's normal for us to meet the family members."

Sam kept looking straight ahead at the road now beginning to get congested with early morning traffic. He crossed into the far right lane and signalled off to the ring road that would cut their trip by half an hour.

"What? Do you disagree?"

"No, but you said 'family members', in the plural. I hope that was just a slip of the tongue, hey?"

"Well…" Andy paused. There was nothing she wanted more than for Sam and his dad to begin their own journey back to reconciliation.

"No. Not gonna happen any time soon, McNally…" he replied shaking his head.

"He's your father, Sam,"

"Hasn't been for many years."

Sam set his jaw firmly, the muscle tensing as he recalled the things that had gone wrong in his life. Seeing Sarah and working on rebuilding their relationship was enough for now. He'd think about the old man another time.

Andy was quiet and knew not to push him too hard.

They drove in this silence for a good while before Sam cleared his throat.

"McNally, I know you have a good heart. I get it. But do you really think that we can even begin to work through more than 25 years of this? I was so young when he left," Sam trailed off into a whisper.

He felt her eyes boring into him like she was digging around in his very soul, all without saying one word. She just waited and let him speak, let him get those painful words out. The words that were tightly intertwined with emotion and memories of his early years.

He took his eyes off the road for a split second and caught her eyes. Still she didn't say anything, and it was making him feel a little uncomfortable. After all, McNally usually did all the talking. He took a breath and continued.

"I want to be justified in my behaviour, and I think I am, but I'm getting tired of holding those walls up, Andy. That's the truth. For a quarter century I've built walls around me to protect myself from being hurt."

"He can't hurt you again, Sam. You're a full grown man, he can only hurt you if you let him,"

Sam blinked. "I know, McNally. I think about that a lot, actually."

"But you've got to let him in, Sam. Uncross your arms and make that step...you might be surprised."

He reflected more on what she'd said. He couldn't imagine how it would be to speak with his dad again, it had been so long he'd forgotten the sound of his voice. Blocked it out, maybe.

Andy turned back to sit properly in her seat, facing forward. She wondered how much longer to get to their motel.

"Are we almost there?" she asked, changing the topic.

"Almost. Where did you book us for the week?"

She looked up the information on her phone. "Um, it's called The Briarwood Inn?"

Sam shrugged. He didn't know where that was, so much had changed since the last time he was here. "So, maybe we'll check in and call her, she said she'd like us to be there for lunch,"

Andy gripped his hand and smiled. "It'll be good, Sam. You can do it,"

"McNally?"

"Yes?"

"I love you,"

She gripped his hand. "Me too, Sam...wait, I meant, I love you, too,"

He smiled at her trying to correct herself. "I know what you meant."

He turned off the highway into the city of St. Catharine's, population over a hundred thousand, a figure relatively small compared to Toronto. Smaller but in many ways more comfortable and homey.

"There it is, The Briarwood," Andy pointed to a mid-size hotel on the left side of the highway.

Sam pulled into the parking lot and turned off the ignition. "Shall we?"

They grabbed their bags and checked in, Sam noting it was kind of interesting how Andy had booked them in under her own name. He stood at her side, watching as she signed the paper, though when it came time to write in the vehicle's license plate number, she shoved the paper in front of him. "I guess you'd know this better than me," she said with a little smile. The clerk at the counter looked from Andy to Sam. Sam filled in the number and returned the paper to the clerk.

"There, I think that's all you need?" he asked the clerk.

"Yes, it is. Here's the room key, second floor fifth room on your right. Non smoking," The clerk handed the electronic key cards to Sam.

Walking a little distance away from the desk, Andy held out her hand, "My key, please,"

"Oh really? What if I keep them both? You'd be stuck with me the whole time,"

"Why would you do that when you already know there's no other place I'd rather be?"

He hugged her tightly against his hip, feeling happier than he'd felt in a long time. "I can't argue that line of logic, McNally, " he said as he handed her the other key card.

They settled into their room, not overly spectacular, but looking very comfortable nonetheless. Andy lay down on the bed, flipping through channels while Sam was in the bathroom.

He joined her soon after, laying on the bed with her. "Comfy bed," he noted, looking up at the ceiling, hands under his head.

She rolled onto her side, facing him. "What are you saying?"

"Me? Nothing, just that this is a comfy bed...what are _you_ saying?"

Andy grinned. "Well, we did get up very early this morning, and we do have time for a little 'nap' before lunch, right?"

This time Sam rolled onto his side. "All right, but a very quick 'nap', maybe." He grinned as he watched her sit up straight and pull the blue scrunchie from her hair. He ran his hand up under her shirt and tank top, caressing her side, feeling the smooth skin and the outline of her bra.

She shivered and jumped a little at his touch, then let herself lay down beside him again. She closed her eyes and felt him pull himself a little closer on the bed, felt the warmth of his breath on her neck as he kissed her, his kisses as light as air. If they had been passionate before their break up, they were even more so now that they were reconciled. Perhaps it was the knowledge of what they'd lost and grateful for the chance to do things differently, maybe the idea that they should never take each other for granted again.

Afterward, Sam stroked Andy's shoulder and back slowly as they lay in each other's arms while she drew tiny circles in the hair on his chest. Not that he minded all too much, but it just wasn't the most pleasant sensation he'd ever felt.

"I don't want to imagine the rest of my life without you in it, McNally," he muttered softly in her hair.

"Same here, Sam Swarek. I think we're stuck with each other,"

"By choice..."

"Of course, by choice," she propped herself up on one elbow and planted a kiss on his lips. "You are my choice, Detective."

Sam closed his eyes and let her words swirl around in his head for a while. He was her choice, she'd chosen him over all others. This meant more to him than she'd ever know, because Sam Swarek was still haunted sometimes by his past. His past of being bounced around foster homes, of not being someone's choice for reasons as simple as being too old to fit into a family, of not being wanted.

But Andy McNally wanted him and he knew he wanted her all to himself.

He moved some strands of her hair off to the side and looked deep into those caring, warm, compassionate eyes. It was said that eyes are the mirrors of one's soul. Well, this was McNally's soul laid bare before him, her beautiful soul.

They lay quiet for a few moments longer when he finally moved to get up. "We have to get ready to go, sweetheart. I hate to break the moment, but, time's up,"

"You're right. Let's do this!"

Sam looked on as Andy bounded off the bed and ran into the bathroom. "Quick shower, hey?" she suggested as she poked her head around the corner. He grinned and followed her into the bathroom. Within ten minutes both Swarek and McNally were dressed and heading out the front door of the hotel. The sky had become overcast in the time they'd spent at their room.

"So, does she live far?"

"About a ten minute drive," Sam replied as he turned here and then there expertly. "Got it pretty much memorized. She hasn't moved in all these years,"

Andy noticed they'd passed the train station a while back. "So is she within walking distance to the train station, then?"

"No, not really. Probably she took a cab to her house, or had a friend pick her up." He glanced at her, noting how pretty she looked this morning with her hair pulled up loosely into a messy bun, even that new blue plaid shirt she bought last week.

"Did I tell you how lovely you look this morning?" he asked, now facing front, eyes on the road.

"Oh, um, no..." she furrowed her brows just a touch as she stole a sideways look at him.

"Well, you do. So comfortable and relaxed. I don't know, just...well, you." He felt awkward and his sentence didn't come out the way it had sounded in his head.

"Thanks, Sam. I appreciate you telling me that. You don't think I look too casual?"

"Nope, just right. I'd feel uncomfortable if you were too dressed up. Sarah too,"

"Okay. Good."

Sam pulled into a driveway of an older, modest house, small but well kept. The lawn was freshly cut, flowers lined the sidewalk leading up to the doorway.

"Ready?"

"Yep, remember, I'm not going anywhere, Sam Swarek."

He waited for her on the sidewalk, then slid his hand into hers as they made their way up to the front door.

He had just stolen another little kiss from Andy when Sarah opened the door. She seemed a little nervous, maybe even a little hesitant at their meeting. She held the door wide.

"Hi," she greeted them, and led the way into the house.

"You remember my house, Sam? It's been years, but it's mostly still the same."

Sam nodded then looked around the living room. "Still pretty much the same. You did paint, though. I don't remember the walls being grey before..."

"Please, sit. Can I get you anything?" Sarah asked, looking at Andy.

"Oh, um, what do you have?"

"Water. Juice. Tea, coffee. Iced tea, pop."

"Oh, well, I'll just have an ice water, thanks,"

"Sammy?"

From his peripheral view, Sam could see a little smile on McNally's face. She always got a kick out of hearing Oliver or even Jerry calling him Sammy.

"Have any beer?"

"Yup, I thought you might ask, so I bought you a case of Canadian."

"You're the best, Square. Thanks. I can get that myself,"

He saw Sarah's face scrunch up when he called her by her childhood nickname, Square. He used to tease her all the time with it, but it was always meant as a term of endearment.

"Oops. Sorry, Sarah. You can call me by my nickname if you really want to. McNally's close...so, " he glanced at McNally, who seemed to be enjoying this little display between Sam and Sarah.

"It's fine, Scram, if you promise to stop in future,"

"Oh, that's not a nice nickname," Andy began. "I don't like it,"

Sam raised his eyebrows and lifted his shoulders. "It's not really my nickname. I was always called "Sammy-Bear" by our mom,"

"Yeah, I used to call him Scram because being four years older than him, I didn't often want him around when my girlfriends and I wanted to go for walks, or just hang out together. He was the pesky little brother who was always wanting to be there,"

Andy hurt inside knowing all she knew now about Sam's history. She smiled at Sarah and bit her tongue as she thought of how all Sam would've wanted was to feel he belonged somewhere, with the only person he could trust. His sister. She looked at her lover, who stood by as Sarah shared that story with them. Scram indeed. It felt a little awkward in the room, so Andy thought to change the topic.

"So, Sarah," she began, not knowing what ordinary, mundane thing she could talk about that somehow didn't relate to a sad part of their history. Sarah looked at her. " It's nice of you to invite us for lunch," she smiled at her.

"Oh, it's nothing. I made one of Sam's favourite dishes ... I hope you don't mind that I made a rather big lunch. That way, you can have something light for supper tonight,"

Sam took a drink of his beer. "What did you make?"

"I made chicken and shrimp Alfredo and caesar salad, crusty homemade garlic bread and a dark chocolate soufflé for dessert," she paused and waited for Sam's reaction. He broke out in a huge grin. "Oh my goodness, I can't even remember the last time I had a dark chocolate soufflé for dessert, let alone homemade! Square, I mean, Sar, you are the best sister a guy could ask for!" He pulled her small frame into a big bear hug.

"Well, maybe it's time for new beginnings, eh Scram?"

They laughed, and Andy felt a little left out for just a second. She never knew Sam loved these things, they had never discussed favourite foods like this before. She thought about all the wonderful things he used to cook for her, and how a flair for cooking must run in their family. She'd never even tried baking bread, let alone attempt a soufflé. Sam let go of his sister and moved toward Andy.

"Wait til you taste it. Sarah's crusty garlic bread is the best you've ever had,"

Twenty minutes later all three were seated at the table for lunch. Andy was convinced Sam had been right. Sarah was a terrific cook. After that, Andy offered to clean up while Sam and Sarah had some time together.

"I don't mind, really, Sarah. I'm glad I can help," she said, meaning every word.

The two Swareks went for a walk to the playground down the street, a place of relative peace and quiet. A neutral place where they could speak about tough issues.

"I'm glad you're okay, little brother," Sarah began. "I'm sorry I blew up at you and stormed out of your hospital room,"

"Hey, it's what we do best, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but I hope we can begin to change that, Sam."

He shrugged. "I'd like that, Sarah. So...tell me this..." he waited for Sarah.

"What?"

"Tell me why you told McNally that I would hurt her again, and for her to be careful. What's that all about?"

Sarah kicked at some sand. "I had such high hopes for you, Scram. When you began doing all those things, getting into trouble...going to jail..."

Sam held her gaze. "Yeah?"

"Sam, you're my only relative and I love you...and at that time, you were all I had, so when all those things happened to you, I was so afraid I'd never see you again. You went from foster home to foster home, you were in jail. It just went from bad to worse."

"Square, I've changed. It's been years since you and I spent time together. You don't know me anymore. Obviously I'm not a career criminal like..." he stopped. He and Andy had discussed some of his father issues and he'd decided he would start by not talking like that about their father.

"No, Sam, you're not a career criminal like our father, that's true. But I felt you let me down, that I was alone during that time. I felt I couldn't trust you,"

"I'm sorry my actions made you feel that way, Square. I never knew you felt that way,"

"How else was I supposed to feel, Sam?"

"I don't know. I never stopped to think about it, I guess. I hate over analyzing stuff, so I avoid it at all costs,"

Sarah smirked at his attempt at levity.

"And that's why you still haven't forgiven Dad, isn't it? He asks about you all the time, Sammy."

Sam sighed, exhaled slowly. "Square, I can't bring myself to talk to him. He stopped being my father a long time ago."

"No, no, no. Wait a second! You were what? Twelve or fourteen when he went to jail, when he got life...and that was effectively the last time you spoke to him. Sam, that was over twenty years ago. He's changed, too, Sam. He tells me he regrets all the lost years,"

"Regrets the lost years. Yeah, that's all well and good, but what about regretting how badly he treated us, me, before he got his ass hauled off to jail? I was the one who bore the brunt of his anger, his frustration at what happened to you. You were his little girl. I was the one he treated like dirt. Do you remember when he found out I hadn't cut the grass, I forgot, or had to stay after school... and his punishment for me was to spend the night in the garden shed? Do you know how old I was?" His eyes blazed at the emotion that had welled up inside him. He stood staring at his sister.

"I was ten, Square." he whispered, the moment broken by some children who had come to play in the park.

Sarah brushed away a tear drop off her cheek. "Oh Scram, I'm so sorry about that incident. I'd forgotten...maybe tried to block it out. I was helpless to do anything about that. He was drunk. I know that does not make locking you up okay...Sam.

Sam didn't say anything.

"You know, for the longest time, I had no desire to be a father. I wanted nothing to do with the idea of fatherhood or marriage for that matter. I had walls up to protect me, I couldn't commit to one person for fear she would either walk out on me or betray me in some way, like our father had done."

"And now?"

"And now, with McNally, I feel I can let my guard down, but it didn't come easily. I couldn't believe she loved me at first. I wouldn't let her love me because I didn't feel like I was worth it. Sar, even her view on how you called me 'Scram'... she picked up on that. She's sensitive and caring, she's so alive. Being with McNally makes _me_ feel alive! Does that make any sense to you? I want to be a good partner, a good husband, and a good father... with McNally. She's brought out hope for a good future,"

"It does make sense, Sam. I guess you've forgiven yourself, your past. She has loved you back from that place. Don't lose her. Here's what I wanted to tell you about Dad. He robbed a bank, shot a guard and the guard died. Armed robbery resulting in death. He made a mistake, Sam, but he swears he did it to right a wrong. To try and make a better life for us. He's sorry, Sammy. He's paying for it by doing the time, but the sentence you've given him is by far worse than any jail time. So I'm asking you, for my sake, please hear him out. Even if it's for a few minutes. He needs to tell you in person. I'm not saying forgive him, Sam, but please..."

Sam ran a hand thorough his hair and pinched the bridge of his nose. "All right, Square, I'll do it. I'll go visit him...but I'm only going because it means a lot to you,"

Sarah's face brightened with his reply. "Thanks, Sam. I appreciate that you'll put in the effort. You won't regret it, I promise."

They walked slowly back to Sarah's house, Sam's mind busy with scenarios that might take shape on that day. He felt good, but also scared of what might transpire. He barely knew this man, Jay Swarek. His father.

**A/N. Not too much of a McSwarek spoiler this past week, so it's more drama with Sarah. I imagine that sooner or later the spoiler content will pass anyway. ***Did I forget to label this chapter AU as I have done for every single chapter prior? OMG, guest, read what I said. Seriously! *****

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hi all. So this chapter is more about Sam's father and Sam's feelings about his father. ***Of course this story is now AU.*** (Naysayers take note!)**

** Having said that, I've just seen the epi with Jay Swarek. Happens to be one of my favourite actors who portrays Sam's dad, and he does it very well. I love Nicholas Campbell! :) For the sake of this story we'll continue with the idea that Sam's mom has passed away. We'll even continue with the idea that Jay Swarek is actually feeling remorse. (Which in the epi, he did not appear to feel)**

For the first five years of his incarceration, Jay Swarek spent most of his waking hours being uncooperative and unemployed, even the small jobs offered for menial wage. He did not take advantage of the numerous educational opportunities that were offered to inmates at the various institutions, rather, he just existed, not really knowing what time of day it was. He counted time by the meals that were served in a daily consistent manner, or by the early morning alarm and exercise time spent in the yard. They had taken his watch away, and almost everything else that could somehow be taken apart and used in such a way so as to cause either personal harm or act as a weapon against someone else.

He was wary of the other inmates and did not try to become friends in the same way 'ordinary' people on the 'outside' became friends. No, once locked in behind these bars, a man changed, whether he wanted to or not. There was a hierarchy within these prison walls, there were leaders and there were followers. The strong and the vulnerable, survivors and those who perished. Everyone had more than enough time to spare, and most of that time was given to thinking. Time to think, time to reflect, and for some, time to scheme and plan a way of escape, even if escape seemed highly unlikely.

There were programs that were available to everyone, such as the chaplains who came in twice a week with their prayer books and bibles, their pamphlets and tracts on how to live a better life. Jay didn't have much need of these services, except maybe twice a year when things when life got the best of him and he thought of his misdeeds and the two children he'd left behind. One mistake, one poorly thought out idea changed not only his life, but the lives of his kids, Sarah and Sam. At first, he tried to send them letters, but he eventually gave up, since the letters were always returned to him unopened, his ex wife having sent them back as soon as they'd arrived.

As the years went on and his ex wife eventually passed away from a prescription drug overdose, Jay got in touch with the social worker who had successfully placed his children in their foster home. He'd heard about Sarah graduating from high school and Sam's unfortunate brushes with the law.

So now that he'd been reacquainted with Sarah, he focussed his thoughts on Sam. He'd heard from his daughter that Sam had turned himself around after spending three years in jail for car theft. He went so far as to become a well respected cop with the Toronto Metro Police force.

Jay Swarek lived with some regret these days, holding out hope that one day his only son would forgive him all the hurt and wrongs he had committed in the past. He was grateful to Sarah for her weekly visits.

"Dad, have you tried writing him a letter?"

"Not in a very long time, no. Your mom used to send them back unopened, and then, I don't know, I guess I just gave up. Figured Sam didn't want me in his life, " he looked at Sarah to confirm his suspicions.

"He thinks he doesn't, but things have changed, time has passed, mom is no longer around to send the letters back. Who knows? Maybe he'll open the letteŕ. If you don't get it back, you'll know he got it, right?"

* * *

Sam usually checked his mailbox maybe three times a week, sometimes more, depending. Besides a few bills he didn't get much beyond flyer junk in the mail. Today was mail day. He sorted through the stack of flyers looking for real mail when he came across a handwritten letter addressed to him. The handwriting was scrawly, kind of long and pointy, definitely from a bygone era before the rounded, half printing sort of writing that he'd grown up with. He examined the letter more closely. Older male writing. It hit him like a ton of bricks. _'Dad'_ he heard himself say under his breath. He wasn't sure if he should just crumple it and throw it away, or maybe take it home and leave it on the bed until he got up the nerve to open it. It seemed kind of coincidental, or maybe it was planned this way by Sarah. Sam grabbed the letter and a few other pieces of advertising that interested him and headed to his truck. It had been a long day back at work, and he felt drained. Finally home, he locked his truck and made his way to the front door.

"Hey," came that sweet, familiar voice from the kitchen. "What took you so long? I was waiting and waiting..."

"Hey. I didn't think we had plans tonight? Did we? Don't tell me I forgot?"

"Nope, I'm just being spontaneous. Unless you want," she trailed off, seeing the envelope that was addressed to him, "... to be alone."

He shook his head no and walked into her waiting arms. He rubbed her nose with his, as he liked to do. "I want you to stay, McNally. I hadn't made any definite plans for tonight, so, let's be spontaneous together." He walked to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of red wine. "I don't often do this, but what the hell." He poured two glasses and raised his in a toast. "Here's to us: friendship, romance, and new beginnings," Andy raised her glass, her eyes sparkling with excitement and happiness. "To the inseparable team of Swarek and McNally!"

At close to eleven p.m, Andy had decided against staying at Sam's for the night because he had a day off tomorrow, where she had a very early day at work. He insisted on driving her home and they hovered around her doorway for a few minutes... both stalling, both wanting until Sam pulled himself out of their embrace. "Another time, I promise. We'll go away. Oliver's cabin, just you and me unplugged..." he walked backwards until the top of the stairs, then dashed quickly down them. He heard Andy's door close as he opened the main door to exit her building. He knew she was standing by the kitchen window, waiting to catch one last glimpse of him. He walked to the middle of the parking lot where he knew she could see him and waved in the direction of her apartment.

Arriving home once again, Sam changed out of his clothes and pulled on his blue plaid pyjama bottoms that Sarah had given him. He washed his face, brushed his teeth, and headed for bed, laying his phone on the night stand. At the mirror, he stopped briefly to examine his scar. It had been more than five weeks since the shooting. He got into bed and reached for the letter that he had set on the bed...if he opened it tonight and the contents were good, he risked not sleeping thinking about it. If he opened it and the contents were bad, the same would happen. Either way, it might be a long night if he opened his father's letter right now. He placed the letter on the night stand beside his phone and turned out the light.

Next morning, he checked his phone for any messages. One from Andy, sent three hours ago while he was still sound asleep. It had become a new habit for them to start the day off with a 'good morning' greeting, depending on where they were in relation to the other. If they were together, their good morning message might be very different from when they were apart. He smiled at the little teddy bear picture she'd sent. The message was corny, but loveable. "Have a BEARY good day, Detective! I'll talk to you tonight."

Sam returned her message, maybe she'd see it at coffee time, and began his day. It was later than usual, but Sam had been so tired from work and all the emotional things that he had packed away inside lately that a sleep-in was more than welcome. That made him think of the letter again. He poured himself a coffee made just as he liked it. The toast popped and he made himself some microwaved eggs to go with it. He was clearly stalling, not wanting to open his father's letter, not wanting to throw it away either. He finished his breakfast and went to his bedroom to get it. He was surprised it had such an effect on him. He returned to the kitchen table and with one deep breath, he tore at the corner, careful not to rip the contents. He noticed the white paper was folded semi-accordion style as if to hide it easily in one's sock or something.

"Dear Sam, (he felt his heart racing now)

Please allow an old man a few moments out of your busy schedule_ (It's my day off)_

I will be brief, seeing I don't have the words to express what I'm feeling... _(A chip off the old block)_

Sam, I know you must hate me for things in our past - your past. I am not proud of them, yet I need to come to terms with what I've done so that I can begin to make up for them. _(Here we go...)_

Sam stopped right here and re-read the few lines so far. It would be a long letter at the rate he was going. He made himself another cup of coffee before continuing. Stalling for time again.

"I am so sorry about all the pain I've caused you in your life, all the scars you carry around in your heart to this day. What's worse is that I will forever know that I caused them, forced you to live with the consequences of my actions. Despite them, you turned your sadness and pain into something good. You are an upstanding citizen, one of the finest men in Toronto Metro. I'm happy for you, proud of your achievements. I get some funny looks when I mention that my son is a police officer, (_you wouldn't actually say that, would you!?_) better leave me be or he might come after you..."

That last line killed him. 'he _might_ come after you'... He put the letter down again and just thought about that. Under normal circumstances, family members stood up for each other, protected each other. Under normal circumstances there would be no doubt.

Under normal circumstances...

He stood up to bring his coffee mug to the sink. He needed more time to think and re-read the letter. He found after a time that he couldn't continue with this, he was unsettled and jumpy. _Later, Dad. Not now. I'm going out for a jog to clear the cobwebs out of my head._

When he got back he attempted the letter again if only to have it done and over with. There was something not right with the letter, though. Screening was very tight in the system. The less others knew about you, the better for everyone involved. He would not be able to write that bit about him being a police officer, as it would be heavily censored. Unless the letter was smuggled out...

He was on the phone in two seconds flat.

"Did you smuggle that letter out?!" he practically yelled at her.

"Whoa, what? What are you talking about little bro?"

"Cut the act Sarah. You smuggled the letter out and sent it for him, didn't you?"

There was silence on the other end of the line.

"Damn it, Sarah. How could you do that? Gahh! I wish I didn't know..." he ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "Do you know how much trouble you could be in?! I can't believe you would do that!"

"Sam. He's dying."

The words made him stop in his tracks. The silence was audible. Sam heard the birds were chirping outside.

"For Pete's sake! Why couldn't you just tell me that?"

"His dying wish is for you to visit him, to hear him out. An old man's wish, Sam."

"Thank you! Now I feel like I need to go see him, like this is some kind of guilt trip..."

"Please don't think of it like that. Sammy, please. I know he means whatever it is he wrote in your letter."

"As if you haven't already read it..." Sam scoffed.

"I haven't! I just put it in an envelope and tried to copy his writing..."

"Oh great. Forgery, too. Do you even think!? I'm a cop for crying out loud. A detective, Sarah. Now you're asking me to close my eyes to all of that and just ignore it?"

"Would you?"

"Shut up! Just shut up, Square." he hung up, his head reeling. This is why he hadn't had much to do with his sister in a long time. She was always pulling stupid stuff like this. He was fuming, wanted to head out to the division's gym and hit the heavy bag really, really badly. He checked the time: 1:45 p.m. He'd do it. Didn't care what anyone thought, just needed to find a release for the mixed feelings he was having over visiting his old man.

Over his old man dying.

Andy walked past the gym with a box full of folders that were slated to go into the archival room. This is where all the cold cases and the solved cases went. She'd been assigned some desk time, not out of punishment or ill health, but just because she requested it. Things had gotten out of control very quickly with her new rookie Duncan and he was more of a handful than she cared to admit. Being a training officer was hard work, especially when you had a know-it-all who didn't listen to a word of instruction. Honestly, she regretted the day she volunteered so readily to become his TO. As she walked by the gym room she heard hard breathing in between the thuds of boxing gloves hitting the heavy bag. She peeked inside to see Sam going at the heavy bag like it was nobody's business. She slipped inside. He was focussed and intent on what he was doing, even as Andy stood there watching him for a few seconds before speaking. She was a little distressed at seeing him this way.

"Hey, wanna join me for my coffee break?" she asked quietly. He was leaning agains the wall, his hands at his side, breathing heavily and sweating like he'd had a good workout. He glanced at her, his eyes sad and very dark. He shook his head no.

"Sam? What's wrong?"

"It's nothing...I don't really wanna talk about it right now," he said curtly. That wasn't a good sign, for sure. Andy ignored it and came closer.

"Hey, you can talk to me..."

Sam shut his eyes, clenched his teeth, set his jaw. "McNally. Please. Let me work this out my way, okay? I need to think,"

He opened his eyes again, looked over at Andy and saw that he'd hurt her feelings; saw the look of disappointment in her eyes. "Look, come here. I'm sorry...I'm doing it - pushing you away -again," he said quickly.

"No, I understand. If you need space, then that's okay with me. You're being honest." She turned to pick up her box of folders and began to fumble with the door. He ran and stepped between the door and Andy's cardboard carton.

"No, McNally, I'm not being honest...look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't meant to shut you out. It's my dad. I just got a letter from him, he wants to see me,"

Andy remained quiet, her eyes searching out his. "What are you going to do?" she asked finally.

"I don't know. I might go see him...eventually."

He took the box of folders out of her hands and placed them gently on the floor at her feet. Without a word he pushed her against the wall , his arms at her shoulders. He looked intently her in the eyes, holding her there. He closed in, nudging her nose with his, his lips hovering so close to hers. He felt her breath against his cheek, he brushed his thumb over her cheekbone and up into her hair. She was flushed, which made his heart beat even faster.

"I have to see him, McNally. For me. I need to free myself of the stuff I've been holding in forever. I need to be free."

She blinked a second, thinking. "Maybe he needs the same thing, Sam."

He nodded, resting his forehead on hers. "It kind of scares me, Andy, but I've gotta do it. Stand up to him. I'm not a child anymore,"

"I know you'll do fine," she smiled.

She placed her hands on his face and pulled him closer, kissing him with all she had. "Don't over-think it, Detective,"

Sam noticed Andy was now officially in the middle of her coffee break. "Fifteen more minutes before you have to be back at it," he smiled.

"And?"

Changing his mind about the scenario he'd dreamt up for what they could do for those fifteen minutes, he explained. "I'm not even supposed to be here, it's my day off...look, I'd better go home and get changed...can you come over for Indian food tonight? I make a wicked chicken curry. Are you up for some spice?"

"You're not even trying to hide that, are you?" she asked, a gleam in her eye.

"Hide what? That I'm the most awesome cook you know?"

"No...the part about the spice,"

"You know that saying...'some like it hot'? Do you like it hot, McNally?" he whispered.

"I can take whatever you 'dish' out, Sam! What time do you want me there?"

"Oh, I don't know...phone me when you're done here and I'll come get you,"

"Deal,"

He took the box for her while she held the door open for him.

"After you," he said quickly, watching her as she walked down the hallway. 'Damn, she looks good,' he thought as she rounded the corner.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Some of the actual storyline is reflected here, so I can't take credit for that. For some of you it's a spoiler...**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue.**

* * *

He set the table for two, even bought a bunch of pink carnations and set them right in the middle of the table. He checked that the stove was off before grabbing his keys and hurrying out the door.

"Hey," he said as she opened her apartment door. He couldn't take his eyes off her, she looked so fresh and pretty in her jeans and denim button down shirt.

"You ready?"

"Always. You know you're not going to get rid of me, right?"

He helped her into the truck. Traffic was light and he pulled into his driveway not long after.

When she walked in his place, Andy noted the flowers and the nicely set table. "Wow, you outdid yourself, Mr. Swarek. And it smells fantastic in here. I'm staying."

"You're staying because of my cooking skills?" he asked, following her into the kitchen where she lifted the lids to several pots and pans simmering delightfully away.

"Mmmm," she sniffed, "it smells sooo good in here. You really are an amazing cook, Sam Swarek," Andy took a teaspoon and had a little taste, unable to resist the food he'd made.

"Well?" he asked, wanting to hear her opinion.

She licked the spoon, dropped it in the sink and faced her partner. "That was really good, not too spicy,"

She looked at him, suddenly turning serious. "There's still so much I don't know about you, Sam. You really do need to tell me about yourself,"

With a finger she traced a pattern on his shirt. "So, let's play a game, something like 'Twenty Questions'," she trailed off, trying to read him.

He frowned. "Um, how 'bout no. I don't want to play..."

"Okay, then, there's a game my dad and I used to play, called 'Two Truths and a Lie',"

"McNally..."

"It's easy. You tell me three things about yourself and I have to figure out which one of them is not true,"

"Okay, here, ya go: I'm a man, I'm a cop and I like these games,"

Andy frowned. "Try not to go in order,"

She gave up and walked into the living room.

"Come on, McNally, forgive me for not wanting to play your game. Come to the table or your food will get cold. I insist,"

He offered her a cold Molson's and they sat down to eat. Sam was thrilled to hear Andy's compliments.

* * *

The next day after leaving work early, Sam and Andy both set out to Milburn Penitentiary where his father was incarcerated. It was approximately a three hour trip and they'd barely be able to make it before visiting hours were over. Sam's dad had not been notified of his son's arrival beforehand and was just finishing his supper when the guard had called him aside.

Sam sat nervously in the visitor waiting room while Andy rubbed his back in an effort to soothe his nerves. "You'll be fine, Sam. You will never be him, and if you have any doubt of that, ever, just turn around and ask me,"

He glanced at her, his eyebrows raised in surprise. "Hmm. You gonna be there?, he asked in a hushed tone.

"Just try and get rid of me, Sam Swarek,"

"You know you sound like a stalker. But a nice one..."

"I'm sorry. I guess you do get some say," she smirked.

"Ya, I guess I'll keep ya around,"

"Detective?" A guard had opened the door and was peeking his head inside the visitor lounge.

"Yeah,"

"Do you want to do this alone, or do you want me there?"

"Just wait for me, Andy, I won't be very long,"

"Okay. I'm not going anywhere."

Sam followed the guard to an interview room down the hall. This place gave him the creeps, and all his memories of 'doing time' came flooding back.

"You can wait here and Jay Swarek will be here in two minutes,"

"Okay, thanks."

Sam sat down and tried to get his mind straightened out. Better get this over with, the sooner the better. The door opened and in walked his dad, a little more grey haired than he last remembered him, older, he supposed.

"Sammy. What a surprise,"

"Hey Pop,"

"So...you heard from Square that I'm dying,"

"Yep,"

"Cancer of the liver,"

"Hmm. Too much alcohol, I imagine?" He couldn't resist getting this little dig in.

Jay nodded. "Perhaps."

This was awkward. Sam folded his arms across his chest and tried to relax.

"So, I got your letter. Nice touch to have Sarah smuggle it out..."

"Hey, she offered."

Sam ran his hand through his hair. "Right," he whispered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I said, 'right'." He stared his father down, looked him straight in the eyes. Eyes that were not at all like his. Cold, icy blue eyes. The same eyes he remembered from when he was small.

"Sam...I see you're,"

"I'm what, Pop? Resentful? Angry? Scared?"

"Yeah. Maybe a little bit of each, eh?"

Sam scoffed. "I never knew what was in store for me with you...a cuff upside the head, a long, alcohol laced lecture about something that was completely irrelevant? I'm past that, Pop. Done. I forgive you for my shitty childhood, and I do not own it, because I'm choosing to be free."

"_You_ forgive _me_? Son, that is rich indeed!"

"What? Should I feel sorry? Cuz I never did. Ever."

"You deserved everything you got from me, Sammy,"

"Did I? Did I really?"

Jay Swarek looked away for a second. "You always were your mama's boy,"

Jay spit the words out like venom, reflecting so much bitterness toward his ex-wife. He really held on to the old resentments he felt inside, and unfortunately took it out on his son. What was new?

Sam wasn't going to discuss his mom - rest her soul- with his father. He just sat there, no emotion registering in his face.

"Yeah well... look, I'm sorry you're dying, okay?", Sam said at at last, breaking the silence. "Maybe I came here with hopes that we could maybe start over,"

Jay flinched, spoke up, but his tone still reflected emotions other than fatherly love. He was defensive, frustrated.

"Sammy, I want to start over. You're the one who started _this_!"

"Look, I've got to go, Pop. Thanks for your letter..."

"I meant it, Sammy. What I wrote,"

"Good. I came here, so..." Sam began to get up out of his chair.

"You did come here, and I'm happy you did. Thank you for coming out here to see me," Sam noticed a more humble tone coming from this man's mouth, a little more sincere, maybe more gentle. Just a little. He took a deep breath and calmed down himself.

"So how long did they give you?" he asked, clearly not confrontational this time.

"Six months,"

"Maybe I'll come back between now and then,"

With that, Sam's visit was over. He left the interview room, not once turning around to look at his dad, who remained seated, his hands cradling his head. Sam approached the visitor waiting room and saw Andy still sitting there, waiting for him. She was reading a magazine and hadn't noticed him until he was right there. He placed one hand on her shoulder and as she looked up, she noticed the tiniest of smiles on his lips.

"You're back already," she said, putting the magazine down on the stack that was piled so carelessly in the centre of the table. She wrapped an arm around his waist and together they walked down the corridor after the guard, who walked ahead to unlock the electronic door. They walked past central command, nodded to the boys sitting behind the desk watching the numerous monitors.

"Must get dull sometimes," Sam said as they left the building.

"What? Being a prison guard?"

"Yeah. Can't imagine sitting there for a whole shift, watching the cameras, day in, day out. "

"Not my cup of tea, either, Sam, but you know the saying..."

"Somebody's got to do it?"

"Yeah," she smiled and got in the truck.

The ride home felt even longer than when they arrived. They were outside a nice, quaint little touristy town and Sam had very briefly entertained the idea of finding a room in one of the bed and breakfasts. He'd decided against it for the simple reason that he'd know his father was not too far away in the Penitentiary at the edge of this town and he'd be unable to keep his dad out of his mind. He'd stay awake for hours replaying their visit, rethinking every word. He decided to drive home. It wasn't that late yet after all.

"Hey, feel like getting some supper?"

"Yes. I thought you'd never ask. You've been so quiet,"

"Well, how 'bout once we get out of this place? I'll find us a nice restaurant, okay?"

True to his word, Sam pulled into the parking lot of a Greek restaurant the next town over. "Greek okay with you?"

"Sounds good. Though I've never had more than a Greek salad before,"

Sam smiled at her honesty. He loved her so much it made his heart ache. "I love you, McNally," he said as he took her hand and squeezed it.

"I love you, Sam. "

Hours later, he pulled up to her condo. It was almost eleven thirty p.m.

"You said he asked you if you were sorry?"

"No, I told him I wasn't sorry..."

"Sorry for what?"

"Can I come inside? It's a long story,"

"Sure. I have room on the couch for you; I even some extra blankets you can have," she teased.

He shut off the ignition and walked beside her. Inside her apartment she got them both a night cap. "Here, to unwind," She put the glass in his hand.

Sam took a sip and closed his eyes. "A long time ago, we used to watch Who Wants to Be A Millionaire together. Just my old man and I. It was one thing we enjoyed. Anyway, long story short, one time he was implicated in an assault, that was before the armed robbery and before he killed a man, he said he had an alibi, said that he was home with me, watching Millionaire. Naturally, the cops came to ask me..."

"What did you say?"

"I told them no, he wasn't with me and they took him away,"

"So? Who told the truth?"

"He did,"

"Oh Sam,"

Sam tried to figure out what that tone she used meant. "Was this too much truth for you to hear?" he asked her finally.

"No. You did what came naturally. You found a way to protect your mom and your sister. And yourself,"

She ran her hand over his arm. "Stay, please?"

"I think I might. It's been emotionally exhausting to share all that,"

"Then come to bed with me..."

"I thought you said I could have the couch? I had my heart set on the couch, " he teased her now, knowing she didn't like it when he teased her at inopportune times, like when she was trying to be serious.

"I know you're not that naive, Sam. Come,"

She turned off all the lights except the hallway light leading to her room. He turned those off as she slipped onto her bed and set the touch lamp on the night stand on low. They undressed and crawled into bed.

"Ohhhhh! This feels so good," Sam sighed as he pulled the covers over himself. "You have a very comfortable bed, McNally, did I ever tell you that?"

"Um, no, but..." she giggled as his fingers glided softly over her belly.

"So soft and welcoming to a tired body," he continued, though Andy wasn't sure now if he was still talking about her mattress.

"Sam!"

He had his eyes closed. "I was talking about the mattress, don't worry," he grinned, now looking in her eyes.

His hands continued on their familiar journey, though it had been a while since the last time he'd done this. Andy sighed contentedly and felt herself relaxing with each caress.

"I just want to drift off to sleep, the way you are making me feel so relaxed," she said, teasing him.

"Hmm, there's a thought, but not just yet. I have another idea, first."

* * *

"Swarek!" the guard called out to Jay, who was standing around by himself in the courtyard.

He walked over to the guard. "Yes?"

"Do you have a doctor's appointment this afternoon?"

"I do, actually,"

The guard looked down at his clipboard. "Okay, just confirming how many guys have to be escorted out, that's all,"

"Thanks,"

Jay walked back to his spot, pulled out a cigarette he had earned by helping out in the Penitentiary shop. He took a deep breath in and let the smoke out very slowly, watching as the smoke rose upward. He'd been thinking about the conversation he'd had with Sam last month, in particular the part where Sam said he forgave him. Did he really? That was anyone's guess. Sam was a quiet man, kept so much inside. Much like himself.

He thought about how he described his ex wife to Sam. That part of the conversation he felt badly about because it hadn't been necessary. He'd called her _'your loony mom'_ to his face on more than one occasion and watched...waited for a reaction, but Sam never flinched. He'd talked to Sam about having someone come to visit him regularly for 'conjugal visits', he'd said. "You should meet your conjugal stepmom," If it had bothered Sam, Jay couldn't tell. He noted that his son had perfected his poker face.

That afternoon, three inmates and two guards were on their way to the hospital. The men were shackled hand and foot, the guards not taking any chances with them. They drove out of the pen's sally port and gates were opened at the end of the road, letting them out into freedom, even if just for a few hours. Freedom, that was an idea Sam had used, too. 'I am choosing to be free,'

Jay didn't look forward to his doctor's appointment. They left him feeling sicker than ever, these doses of chemotherapy. Sicker and weaker. He tried to imagine himself on the ride back already, sometimes the imagery helped to make him feel better.

* * *

"Sarah, I did my part. I saw him...but I guess you knew that already?"

"I knew. Heard about your little blow up, too."

"Yeah? Which part upsets you? The part where I told him I forgave him, or the part where I told him I never felt sorry for my part in having his..." Sam stopped himself. "For him going to jail,"

"You didn't have to get all up in his grill, Sam. He knows, okay? He told you he was sorry,"

"Square, you should've heard him going on about mom. You know, I still happen to love her, even if you don't!"

He waited with bated breath, while on the other end of the line, his sister's face turned white with anger. Sarah pursed her lips into a thin line. After a few seconds of silence, she spoke in short, clipped sentences.

"How dare you, Sammy! I love mom as much as you do!"

"I know you do. I'm sorry. I shouldn't've said that."

It would take a while before Sarah would warm up and speak with him, this he knew from previous exchanges, so he tried to cut the phone call short, hoping to spare them both the awkward silence.

"Anyway, I told the old man I might see him again before he dies,"

"What do you want me to say to that, Sam? Congratulations?"

"I honestly don't know what else you want me to do, sister mine. I went to visit him, as per your request. I wanted to mend some bridges, and he sat there and insulted the memory of our mother. He had walls up from here to high heaven. How do you expect me to react? Maybe he's different around you, maybe he lets his guard down, but hey, it wasn't too bad for our first visit."

"That's why you need to see him more than just once before he dies,"

"All right, that's enough for one conversation. Bye,"

He closed his phone before she could say anymore, and went into the fridge to get himself a couple of beer to calm down. It was times like this that he craved a cigarette or two. He had some packs of cigarettes in his room from long ago, usually brought some with him when he went undercover. He walked to the bedroom and grabbed a pack, and pulled out a cigarette. He inhaled the smoke, enjoyed the sensation that came with it, and blew out the smoke again. All he needed now was some loud music and his love.

He could have the music instantly as it was just a click away on his iPod, but his love was on night shift tonight.

He got comfortable on the couch, sent her a suggestive text message and waited. It was 10 p.m.

His phone buzzed and with some excitement he read Andy's message. Cryptic. He loved it when she used double speak to talk to him.

"Slow night. I could find something for you to do,"

He took his keys and was out the door. He parked in his usual spot at work and used the back door to get in. It was closer to the archival room when Andy suggested she'd be.

He found her squatting near a bunch of boxes. "What? You weren't kidding?"

"Hey! No...what did you think?" she tried with all her might to keep that smile from forming.

He looked at her, trying to read her, which was hard because she showed no sign of joking. She stood up and greeted him with a kiss. "Smoke?"

"Oh, um, yeah. Just one to help relax me a little. Had a conversation with Sarah,"

"I like the way you taste,"

"Oh? Is that right?"

"Yeah..."

**A/N: It occurred to me that the story might come across as encouraging or glamourizing smoking, but in fact, I'm a non smoker who actually grew up with very strong national smoking awareness campaigns at school. So, no, I emphatically DO NOT advocate smoking. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Several months later**

Oliver walked in just as the service was beginning. He was ushered to a pew just behind where Sam, Sarah and Andy were sitting, right up front in the little chapel of the funeral home.

He touched Sam's shoulder very briefly, just so he'd know he was there for him. He was at Jay Swarek's funeral for his best friend, in a time that was both a relief and a bitter sweet ending to a complex relationship that lasted almost all of Sam's life.

Sam turned around briefly and nodded to his friend before setting his eyes quickly to the front once again. He wasn't overly sad. It felt strange to him to be here front row with Sarah on one side of him and Andy on the other. He saw Sarah dabbing her eyes every now and again from out of the corner of his eye, he guessed their father's death hit her a little harder than it did him. He managed to visit the old man twice more before the end came, each visit a bit better than the last.

**Flashback**

On his second visit with his dad, Sam decided he would introduce him to Andy. Since time was short, he'd decided to try and make the most of the situation and thus, it seemed everything he might've wanted to do in a normal way was suddenly sped up because Jay didn't have too long to live.

As they walked through the halls to the interview room, Andy was feeling a little bit nervous. What if she were meeting Sam's dad for the first time under normal circumstances? What if he had been a normal, average father to his son? Knowing what she knew about him from having read his file, could she be her usual warm self, and accept him as a regular person? All these thoughts came to her mind, causing her to be more focussed and introverted than usual.

"Are you alright McNally?"Sam asked as they continued on their way.

"I have to admit I'm nervous,"

"You don't have to be. Just don't let him bully you. I'm guessing he'll be different towards you than he is to me,"

"Ladies' man, then?"

"Well, I don't know for sure, but I'm thinking yes. He can be very charming. Just remember it's probably a ploy," he grinned at her just as the guard opened the interview room door.

"Very helpful, Sam. How am I supposed to act meeting my boyfriend's father who just happens to be an inmate at one of Canada's maximum facilities?"

"I dunno, act yourself. Don't over think it. You'll do fine and he'll be swept off his feet,'

Andy looked at him and tried poking him in the ribs. He jumped away, moving just out of her reach. The door opened and a guard entered with Jay closely behind. Another guard shut the door and waited outside the room.

Sam noticed his dad had lost some weight since the last time he visited, the orange jumpsuit hanging a little more loosely than before. Jay's complexion was more ashen and it seemed that it sort of matched his grey hair. It must've been a rough day for him, Sam surmised, feeling a little badly for his father.

"Sammy," his father began, his voice weaker than before.

"Hey Pops," Sam was more cheerful than he intended; the truth was, he was shocked at how much his father had changed since the last visit. Sam realised the old man was heading downhill quickly.

"Who's the beautiful lady sitting next to you?" Jay asked, his piercing blue eyes locked onto Andy's.

"Pop, this is Andy McNally."

"Is she a cop, too, Sammy?" he asked him, even though he really ought to have asked Andy herself. He looked at Andy again. "Are you a police officer, Andy McNally?"

"Um, yes. I work with your son,"

Jay turned to Sam approvingly. "Not bad, not bad at all; she's a real beauty!"

Andy blushed furiously and bit her lower lip, but said nothing. Sam smiled and leaned across the table. "She's my girlfriend, Pops, and yes, you're right, she is a real beauty,"

"Oh well, now, see, that wasn't so hard was it?," Jay beamed.

He looked to Andy again. "Nice to meet you, Officer Andy," Andy recognized Sam's dimples in his father's smile. She found she couldn't help but warm up to him a little and smiled broadly.

"I'm glad to meet you too, Jay," she said genuinely. She took Sam's hand in hers and placed it in her lap, hidden from sight by the table top.

"So, Pops," Sam interjected. "Are you up for a walk in the courtyard?"

He glanced over at the guard. "Can we do that?"

"I suppose it's okay. One of us will have to accompany you all,"

"Good. So what do you say, Pops?"

"Sure, I could use some fresh air. Is it warm out?"

"It's nice out," Andy said quickly, standing up. She was surprised at how things warmed up between them, and this was a good thing. Sam was the last one out of the room, after his father.

They spent the next half hour intermittently making small talk and getting over awkward silences. Andy noticed that Sam was more relaxed now as they spoke of sports, holidays he'd been on and places he'd been in the years since his father's incarceration.

"Do you remember that little kid, Mikey something or other?" Jay asked, smiling at Sam.

"Yeah, he was my best friend from Kindergarten. I'm surprised you still remember him, Pops,"

"I might've made a mess of my life and yours, too, Sammy, but I wasn't completely absent, you know,"

Sam remained silent, not knowing what to say. There wasn't too much to draw from. "I remember we used to watch TV together...", he spoke at last.

"'Millionaire' was our favourite show, Sammy,"

"I remember that..." Sam trailed off at the memory of that night when the cops came and asked him about his dad's alibi. Jay had been obviously thinking the same thing, though the two Swarek men didn't say anything about that.

Andy watched them as they reminisced, the grey haired man and the dark haired man, the tall, strong man and the man once strong but now almost wasted away by disease. They stood side by side. She made eye contact with Sam and went for a little walk along the fence. She knew every inch of this courtyard was monitored by security cameras and that central command post could pick up every conversation. She hoped that maybe they wouldn't focus in on the father and son conversation too much.

"Dad, I wanted to say that I'm sorry for not telling the truth, despite what I said the last time I came by here,"

He was coming clean and hoped his father might too so they could finally put that whole chapter behind them and start over.

Jay swallowed and thought for a moment what he should say next. "I've been thinking about that day and our discussion a lot too, Sam. I can even understand why you did it, but last time I told you I didn't forgive you for that. I still don't know if I can...the timing of it, all of it put me here for more than twenty years. Now I ask you. Did the punishment fit the crime?"

Sam looked at his hands then stared into his dad's blue eyes. "I didn't kill anyone, Pop. You did. So yes, the punishment fit that crime."

"I wasn't talking about that, and you know it. I know I wasn't exactly a role model father to you and Sarah. You both deserved much better. I wish there was a way I could make that up to you."

"There is. Tell me you forgive me," Sam sighed, suddenly standing up. He needed to walk or move around somewhat. He continued. "I needed you to understand me, to tell me how proud you were of me. I needed you to build me up. I needed you to be honest, strong and responsible, a man who didn't hit my mom, a man who took pride in who he was...you needed to teach me that, Pops. I needed you to show me _how to love_."

"I didn't teach you those things because I never knew how myself. You never knew my dad. I hated him, wanted to hit him. Violence was a way of life when I was growing up. Unlike you, I guess I turned into him... I know that's not an excuse, but it's a cycle. My hope for you is that you'll be the better man. For her. "

Jay nodded in the direction of Andy who was far enough away from them to give them adequate privacy.

"I'm trying, Pop. She means the world to me,"

"That's good. She loves you. I can tell. She loves you and she'll show you how,"

Sam blinked some tears away as he looked at Andy standing by herself. "Hey, McNally!," he croaked, his voice hoarse and raspy. "It's okay, you can come back." He grinned at her as she jogged back to where the two men were.

"I just wanted to give you two a moment, it looked like you needed to talk,"

"Intuitive,"

"Oh yeah. She's good at that." Sam said proudly as Andy stood next to him.

The guard signalled to Sam that it was time to go. "Hey Pop, I think we have to go."

"Yeah, I guess you do. It's been a good visit, Sammy. Thanks for bringing Andy. She's a warm and caring woman,"

"She's all that and more, Pop. I wish..." he trailed off, running his hand through his hair.

"Me too, son. You two will have a wonderful life together. I'm just sorry I won't get a chance to meet your children,"

"Aw, Pop. Stop now or you're going to see a grown man cry," Sam joked, though inside he was crying already.

They walked inside and waved goodbye as one guard took Jay back to his cell.

Sam remained silent as he and Andy followed the guard out to the front desk. "When is he scheduled for his next doctor's appointment?" Sam asked the man.

"I haven't been made aware of it yet, but I can let you know Detective."

"Please. I want to be there with him, I'll come along for the ride. Probably his last,"

"Sir," the young guard said solemnly.

Sam turned to Andy once they were outside and out of sight. She noticed he was sad. She read pain in his eyes, similar to the pain he'd experienced after Jerry's death. This time she would give him space if he needed it, let him begin the process of grieving on his own terms without trying so hard to fix him.

"I'll be here whenever you need me, Sam. I promise you. I'll give you what you need...just tell me."

"I need you by my side, McNally," They continued on to where Sam's truck was parked. He pulled her close to him. "I won't push you away like before...just hold me,"

* * *

The phone rang in the middle of the night, nearly six weeks after the second visit. Sam rolled over onto his side to get the phone before Andy woke up and spoke in hushed tones. He got up and headed down the hall to the bathroom so he could speak in private.

"Be there soon," he said and hung up. He tip-toed back to the bedroom and found his clothes. He was trying to steal away into the night and on to Millburn without waking her as she had to work in a few hours' time.

He got dressed and prepared for his father's imminent death.

The guard had called to let him know there was a doctor seeing his dad right now, and that he was told to call the next of kin. It must be bad. Was he ready for this? His dad still hadn't forgiven him for lying and putting him in jail for an assault he didn't commit. Sam had mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, it felt good at the time to see his father being taken away in handcuffs. The overbearing man who was in and out of his young life was made to feel small and helpless as three police officers led him away. It made up for the many times Sam had been made to feel small and helpless. On the other hand, he'd recently discovered more about his old man, how he too came from a less than desirable family situation, how life had been hard for a confused, angry young man in and out of trouble, who'd had hopes and dreams of a better life if only he had a million dollars, a man who'd sat in jail wondering just when it was that he turned into his own father.

Sam knew it could've been him. He'd begun that path of hopelessness and despair, walked the halls of a medium security facility for three years for stealing. Chills ran up and down his spine as he saw how eerily similar he'd been. He leaned over and kissed Andy, who stirred briefly before falling back into a restful state.

He closed the front door and locked it, knowing in his gut that this trip to Millburn would be his last. Somewhere deep inside him, he was hoping his father would tell him what he needed to hear.

He stood waiting at the central command post while one of the guards processed his ID and scanned him before he was let inside. He felt like he was at the airport, wished he actually was there instead of here where he soon would meet Death face to face.

"Right this way Detective,"

Sam followed quietly, no small talk in the world could take this foreboding silence away. He was taken to the infirmary this time and saw a team of medical personnel hovering over his dad. He lay quietly under the sheet, still breathing, but barely.

"Can he hear me? Can he talk?" Sam asked. The doctor nodded and left the room.

Sam stood next to his father's bed and reached for the old man's hand.

"Pops, I'm here," he whispered, overcome with emotion. These visits had taken a toll on him. All those years he'd been filled with various negative emotions for this man who left him so emotionally exhausted. In this short time, Sam realised that the negative emotions had slowly given way to compassion and forgiveness.

Jay's eyes fluttered open and with the remaining strength he squeezed Sam's hand.

"You came to see me off," Jay whispered.

"No, no, don't say that. You'll get through this and live a little longer, hey?"

"No Sam, I'm ready to go."

Sam's head drooped and he found himself desperately clinging on to this man. Why now? Why had he waited so long...?

"Sammy," his father's voice trailed off as he fell into fits of coughing. Sam watched, horrified as each cough racked his dad's frail body. A nurse came by and shot a needle full of medicine into the IV.

"What did you just do?" Sam asked, frantically.

"It's okay, just something to ease the spasms," she left the room and once again Sam and Jay were alone.

Still clutching his son's hand, Jay pulled Sam down closer. "I forgive you, Sammy,"

Sam's heart beat faster as he processed the words that would truly set him free. Free of the hatred, the anger, the fear.

He was set free to love.

He felt those words falling out of his mouth, the words he once found so difficult to say to anyone. "I love you, Pops."

Jay tightened his grip around Sam's hand once more as if wanting to hold on to the last things of this world before being pulled into the next. "Love Sarah..."

Those two little words, his father's dying wish that Sam would likely carry with him for the rest of his life, were incredibly heavy words. 'Love Sarah'. He blinked away tears as he felt his dad's hand slipping, his life over at last. He stepped back and composed himself as the doctor and nurses did whatever it was they did before declaring the patient dead.

* * *

"Square?"

"Sammy?"

"I'm here, Square. I was with Pop when," he couldn't get the words out. He rubbed his hand over his face, squeezed the bridge of his nose.

"Oh Sam. I'm sorry. We had our goodbyes last evening. He had a feeling he wasn't going to make it through the night."

Sarah had checked into a hotel in a nearby town, knowing Sam would come eventually. "Wanna go for breakfast?" she asked sadly. "I have something to tell you,"

"Sure. I have something to tell you, too."

They decided on a place and met in half an hour.

"He told me two words," Sarah said between sips of green tea. Sam looked at her.

"Me too,"

"You first," she said quietly, having a pretty good idea what he might say.

"Love Sarah."

She put her tea cup down. "Love Sam."

**End flashback**

* * *

After the service, the minister gave Sam and Sarah the urn containing their father's ashes. They had decided beforehand that they would go to a river nearby and distribute his ashes there rather than having a burial. Jay wouldn't have wanted a headstone or to be confined in a plot of land.

They decided it was far more fitting that Jay be set free.

The End

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue.**


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